blogvixen (blogvixen) wrote,

Sex for Fat Days

Seriously, I got an email in my inbox today from a website equivalent of a ladies' magazine like Cosmo with the subject line "Fat Day? Tired? Sex Positions for Every Scenario!"

Fat Day?

I mean I've heard of bad hair days, but Fat Day?


OK, I'll bite. I clicked the link.

It was an article called "Sex Positions for Fat Days and More." The advice was ridiculous, in my opinion. The first section on "Fat Days" was silly-amusing, all about how to hide your paunch from your sweetie during sex rather than whining "Don't look at me, I'm so FAT!" and avoiding sex.

But the second section really made me snicker:

You're exhausted

What you want:
A zero-effort session where he won't notice if you nod off during the boring bits — plus speedy orgasms so you're spooning (and snoring) in no time.
Intimate instructions: Chances are you're already lying on your side, your back to his front (eyes determinedly shut despite his penis prodding you in the back), so this really is lazy-girl sex. Just lift your bottom to allow him to penetrate, and tighten your thighs for maximum friction while his hands reach around to stimulate your clitoris. To speed him up, make lots of satisfied groans and moans.

Sneaky tricks: If you're half asleep, your sexual system probably is too, so help it along by using lubricant. Save even more energy by ditching the usual in-out thrusting motion, and instead clench one buttock cheek at a time to rock you from side to side.

I was kind of incredulous after reading this - really? They're promoting putting zero effort into sex, and sessions where it's ok to nod off during the "boring bits"?!?! There shouldn't BE boring bits in the first place, and promoting being a lazy partner is no good. And then they basically say "fake lots of satisfied moans and groans to hurry him up and get him off more quickly so you can go to sleep"

WTF?! Seriously? Their advice amounts to: what to do when you're trying to fake sleep despite your guy's erection prodding you in the back is to lift a butt cheek and let him slip it in and then fake sounding like you're enjoying yourself so he'll get off more quickly and let you go to sleep.

They also advise, on shower sex: "your best bet is to face away from the water, because you move your head more than you think during sex, and water shooting up your nose is not hot." - you know, water that is pouring down from above my head ultimately shooting up my nose is never been a problem for me during shower sex, no matter how much I thrash my head around.

Then, in a section on what to do if you're having trouble getting off, they suggest "try the old "fake it till you make it" method. Pretend you're going into the throes of orgasm (clench your bottom and thighs and moan), and you may trick your body by providing all the triggers it associates with actual orgasm."

So... you've been in "almost but not quite there" phase for quite a while and you're getting frustrated at your inability to get over the edge and reach orgasm, and they're suggesting that if you just PRETEND you're going into orgasm, then you'll trick your body into having an ACTUAL orgasm.

I'm rolling my eyes REALLY hard and shaking my head. WTF?!

Whoever wrote this article is an utter idiot. They're not doing their readers any favors.

Tags: dumbass
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