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Hi, I saw your lovely smile and had to write.
Perhaps I should mention that the reason I saw your lovely smile in teh first place was that you were a very high match for me on this site, lol
I would like to propose that you and I meet in person, say this coming Tuesday evening, and see how we get along? I'd be curious to see what interests we have in common!
Very cute. So I wrote back:
There is something so very familiar about your photo... your pencil antennae... it's almost as if I took the photo myself.
Yes, I think we should meet in person this Tuesday and see how we get along. Naked.
What say you?
Somehow I think it is highly likely that this email will receive a positive response.
-Vixen
First, there is the hostess, Maya. She's a relatively new friend, so I don't know her that well yet, but she is a friend of several other people in my gang-o-thieves, and I like her a lot. Then there are Tom, Dick, and Harry. Tom is a local car stereo installer, and also a friend of others in the gang. Tall and skinny, he falls into the geekycute category. Dick is a soldier originally from this area, visiting on leave from his station half a dozen or so hours away. He has a body buff from weight lifting, shoulders covered with nicely done tribal tattoos, and a confident, cocky personality. He falls fairly well into the "tasty treat" category. Tom and Dick have been best friends since they were 16, and refer to each other as brothers. Harry is another friend-o-the-gang, a generally good guy who I am fond of (but have no interest in fucking).
( Read on for the full story, it's a juicy one! )
-Vixen
Fuck My Life is like a combination of "most embarassing moments" and Twitter. It's all brief anonymous posts about something that's happened, which always start with "Today," and always end with "FML." And I mention it here in Adventures in Dating, because, sadly, most of the posts are dating related... more often than not, getting dumped or dumped on in spectacular fashion. Reading these posts will make you feel better about your own life by comparison.
A few favorite FML examples:
Today, my boyfriend of 2 years took me to get a tattoo done with his name on. He paid for it. After it was done he told me it was over between us and he thought it'd be a nice reminder of him for me. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work, ten minutes later I got a text saying" I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said he "I dont know what youre talking about Megan". My name isnt Megan, not even close. FML
Today, I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman, how he made every opportunity to see her, and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled, because that's exactly the way I feel about my crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML
Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how this is for you, I proceeded to play for about 3 seconds when I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML
Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML
Today, was the first time I had sex with a guy I really like. I took off my shirt and my bra and he said "wow, that's disappointing." FML
So if you're ever in a mood where you feel like saying "FUCK MY LIFE", go on over to FMLife.com and do a little reading. You'll feel much better for it.
-Vixen
But at least it provides for extra entertainment for YOU!
( read on for the crazy... )
( Read on... )
Well, I found it highly entertaining.
( and, when you click here, so will you! )
God love her for having a sense of humor... :)
Today's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile of the Week was a real headscratcher. This, uhh... person... has contacted me on FreeVanilla several times, despite being a dozen or so hours away (when my profile says I'm only interested in people within an hour). His/her profile is just so... odd that it begged to be posted here.
His/her?
Yes, I said that.
The photos are of someone who is CLEARLY an unattractive MALE, but he lists himself as a gay female. He claims to be transsexual - with a straight face, this very masculine dude who doesn't appear to be trying at ALL to look female, says he is a lesbian trapped in a woman's body. And one helluva catch he is, too. He is unemployed, has Aspberger's Syndrome (a form of autism characterized by difficulty socializing), is physically disabled, so walks with a limp and can't drive, and he has a wandering eye (one eye looks off in a WAY different direction than the other). And he wants to be a woman. And wants to date a woman.
But he's really good at cuddling, and he juggles!
OOO, sign me up!!
Really, it's a wonder he's still single.
Enjoy!
-Vixen
I just got the following email on SexSite. Gee, what's wrong with this picture?
"Just thought i would drop you a few lines after reading your profile babe! I must say you are absolutely stunning babe! Anyways, I would love to get a chance to chat with you and see how things go along the lines of this site babe! Well if you are up for it just get back to me and we can take it from there babe!"
*eyeroll*
-Vixen
A 51 year old man (yes, that's 17 years my senior) just emailed me on SexSite and in his missive said "Sexually I love to please a woman, I will use my imagination, my hands, my mouth, and my equipment to please you again and again. I would expect you to have multiple orgasms before we move to penetration, at that point you will be amazed by my stamina. I can sometimes last up to 40 minutes and we will both be soaking wet when we climax. "
My response to him was simple:
"Is 40 minutes supposed to impress me? Seriously? Oh, honey, you're out of your league."
-Vixen
Throughout the course of my adult life, I have practiced many different relationship paradigms, from strict monogamy to all flavors of swinging to open relationships to full on polyamory. But I don't advertise this to the men I meet online - as far as they're concerned, I'm little Miss Traditional Monogamous.
So why is it every time I meet a guy who's interesting, attractive, intelligent, cool, and otherwise someone I'd want to keep around, he turns out ot be married and polyamorous?
Having tried all flavors of relationship openness, I've decided that (for me) polyamory is fundamentally flawed (as there is virtually always an imbalance that leaves one or more people involved unhappy and with unmet needs), and not something I want to do again. I don't want to fall head over heels in love with someone who will never be able to truly "be" with me in a long term committed living together kind of way (you know, because they already have that with somebody else). So for me... ultimately I expect I will end up somewhere between monogamous and swinger, depending on my partner's comfort zone.
Well, a similarly minded (and habited) programmer at Google has just the thing for you. After a few too many late night embarassing drunk emails to exes, he created the newest Google Labs email tool, Mail Goggles. Set it up on your Gmail account, and during the time periods you set (say, after 2am, before your morning coffee, or when you're usually found sobbing through your favorite soap operas), Google will require you to solve a few simple math problems before letting you successfully send a message. If you're not sober enough to know that 2 times 5 equals 10, then your email can wait until morning.
Pretty brilliant, eh? Read all about it here. No more embarassing emails! Well, except for the ones that can be blamed on plain ol' poor judgement and forethought, not intoxication. Good luck with those.
-Vixen
There were three parts of the evening that were particularly amusing and memorable and I thought I'd share with you all.
( Read on for the anecdotal goodness... )
In today's news it was announced that David Duchovny, X-Files' Fox Mulder, has entered rehab for sex addiction. Rumors of Duchovny's addiction have swirled around for over 10 years. In today's news, his wife, Tea Leoni, was quoted from a 1998 interview with Elle magazine, where she said that she found the notion "very exciting."
"David was accused of being a sex addict," Leoni, who had been married for one year at that point, said. "Which I always found very exciting. And then I found out it wasn't true."
"Men are like bulls," she continued. "They gotta get the new cow. Maybe you've got to get the bull after he's had a lot of cows, so you might just be the last new one."
Wow. So basically, she was calling her husband a Barney and showing disappointment with their marriage and sex life. She was saying "I thought I'd be getting laid all the time and I was thrilled, but as it turns out, not so much. He doesn't want to fuck me all the time, he just wants to fuck anything with a hole and a heartbeat, it's all about the fresh meat to him, and once he's had it (including me) he doesn't want it anymore."
Awww... say it isn't so! If our hollywood hearthrob objects of lust can't be counted upon to be honest and faithful spouses, who can?
-Vixen
Let me explain. I'm feeling like a pirate because I injured my eye this week - think eyepatch, yaarrrr matey, and all that good stuff.
OK, minus the eyepatch. But really, having one eye all tricked out in angry red tones does NOT make one sexy dating material. When every friend or coworker you encounter exclaims "Oh my GOD, what HAPPENED to you?!?", you're not encouraged to go out on a date with a new beau and try to make a good impression.
What, you may ask, happened? Well, early last week, I had a very nice first date with a new guy. Nothing terribly remarkable, just lots of good conversation, cute guy, a nice goodnight kiss, and all was well. We talked later that evening and made plans for a second date on Saturday, so things were looking good.
This is too good not to pass on... a hilarious white boy rap about, what else, adventures in online dating!
Enjoy!
-Vixen
http://www.break.com/index/i-google-myse
Today's story may not, on its surface, seem to have anything to do with dating... but the more I thought about it, it kept reminding me of my dating experiences, like it was the perfect analogy for what I go through with men and their general asshattery.
So, I went to lunch with a friend today, to a favorite restaurant we've been to many times. There's this one waiter who is so utterly all-around incompetent that we're sure he's only managed to keep his job because he's the owner's nephew. We generally try to avoid getting him as our waiter, but today, alas, we were not successful.
Everything was going more or less OK until the end of the meal.
