Once again my confirmation call rule has saved the day. I encountered Jerkwad on FreeVanilla. He looked familiar, like perhaps we may have been in contact before. We started chatting a bit, and he said that he thought maybe he recognized me from another website. I thought it likely that he and I had been in contact on SexSite at some point in the past - while I don't have face photos there, if we'd been in contact, I would have sent him face photos, the same ones that he would have seen on my FreeVanilla profile. He was very flirty and forward and outgoing, which made me proceed with caution - maybe he was just a flirty guy, or maybe he was just a player looking to get laid. When in our early conversations he started offering me massages and moving the conversation towards sex and my proclivities in that area, I directed him away from that entire line of conversation, curious to see if he would show genuine interest in getting to know ME and not just in getting laid.

I said "How about this? We're both on SexSite, so we're both clearly sexual people - but frankly, I don't want to discuss that with someone I've never met. If you'd like to date me, then date me - and forget for the time being that I have that SexSite profile. Get to know the non-sexual me. The sexual me comes later, and I assure you that you will not be disappointed with what you discover there, if you make it that far."

( Read on to see what happened... )

Today's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile of the Week comes to us from FreeVanilla. I think it needs no introduction or explanation.

-Vixen

BustMyBalls

I'm really into ballbusting. I enjoy being kicked in the balls by women. No men, that's gross. I've been into it for about 8 years now. Yes, Im serious. I live on campus at the university. If you'd like to kick me, or knee, or punch, or any kind of strike, drop me a line, and maybe we can meet. I offer this as a service for stress relief, completely free. No money charged or paid. If you're a college student, I expect you're stressed out over final exams and papers. You can vent that frustration on me. I'll let you.

What I’m doing with my life: Just going to college, English major. After that, maybe be a teacher. I've written a fantasy novel, and I love poetry and fiction.

The six things I could never do without: Horses, lions, poetry, fiction, nature, friends.

You should message me if: you consider it interesting to kick a guy in the balls and watch him writhe on the ground at your feet. I'll let you do it to me, as hard as you want, as many times as you want. Or if you're overwhelmed with stress, It's a great way to vent.

This week's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile comes to us from FreeVanilla. This guy seems to have real issues with capitalization (not to mention spelling and grammar).

This is his profile:

Journeys

.movies,travel anywere,sports,classic rock ,to retirer young and have fun untill i'm old i'm easy going type person who love's going to classic rock concerts and football games,traveling to the Beach and the Mountains and some Beautiful woman who Love's To Have Fun And A Good Time With The One They Really Want To Be WITH And No GAMES OR DRAMA!!!!!*****.

go out for pizza and a movie or play some pool go swimming or if you want to get romantic a candelit dinner for two with soft music in the back ground and some slow dancing with hot,hot,hott passion and romanace in the air OR What Ever The Lady I'm With Wants To Do So Lets Just Have Some Fun And Have A Great Time To Remamber As Years Gose By With A Real Nice Smile And A Sparkle In Our Eyes.

Not too egregious, right? But read the email he sent me, and I dare you, I DARE YOU to see if you can make it all the way through his message without your eyes bleeding.

( Read on for the... ow. )

My latest small world connection is of the sad variety. An old friend from high school IM'd me on Facebook the other day. He's someone I was never particularly close to, but he's a frequent (and entertaining) Facebook poster, and we've gotten in the habit of commenting on one anothers' posts frequently. He said he was feeling kind of down, and I asked why.

He said "Oh, I guess you haven't heard..."

( What hadn't I heard? )

Sometimes it amazes me, the sorts of offensive crap men will spout in their introductory emails. They'd never dream of saying these things to a woman they met, for example, in a bar, yet somehow they lose all common sense (and all semblance of internal filters) when they use these lines to contact a woman online.

Case in point, today's message from a genius on FreeVanilla:

Love your hair........and those eyes.......lips.......tongue......and last but not least......those gorgeous white breastssssss. Lets play!!


My reply:

No.

Not a chance.

You wouldn't walk up to a woman in a bar and say something like that, would you? You'd probably get slapped.

It doesn't work any better here.

You're offensive, and you'll never get a chance at these "gorgeous white breastssssss." So go away now, and don't come back.

-Vixen

I just got this charming email on FreeVanilla:

Hey, I know I'm much too far away from you so that I probably won't even get a reply, and probably too young too, which is sad. I just wanted to let you know that you look absolutely awesome, I really love your hair and everything in your pics. I'm almost speechless :)

Kisses and all the best for you


Aww, well wasn't that nice? I couldn't tell from the email what he looks like or where he is, so I clicked on his profile hoping he's not so far or young...

...but Whoa.

Far and young is an understatement.

He is in Germany. And he's 18 - that is, if you believe his profile, because he damned sure looks more like 14. He's a very slender (and tall, if you believe the 6'3" on his profile) and pretty blond-haired boy... the first thing that came to mind when looking at his photos was "twink" (the term used in the gay community to refer to young slender prettyboys). The second thing that came to mind was that he looks like a long lost member of Hanson. Or like he aught to be hanging out with other young and emaciated boys in a calvin klein ad.

He's pretty, and I'm flattered, but even if he were local (and of verifiably legal age), I wouldn't be going there.

-Vixen

Why, why, WHYYYYYYYY??? Why must I always be such a freaking poly magnet? YET AGAIN, I was contacted by someone who, in our emails and IMs seemed totally awesome and a great match for me... that is until I found out that he has a kid. And a WIFE.

He contacted me on FreeVanilla and we exchanged several very thought provoking emails about life, relationships, healthcare reform, and more. He IM'd me and we had a very nice conversation that showed that we had much in common, until...

( Read on to see what happened... )

I had this exchange today on FreeVanilla, which I think speaks for itself:

GoofyGuy
I am lonely and trying to get over some old relationship that went bad. So, I am trying to date. I have never been married but might like great sex soon. Anyways, if you want to talk, write back. I'd like to hear from you. Maybe we can meet tonight.


Vixen
So you're lonely, wounded from an old relationship, and "might like great sex soon".

Charming.

With an intro like that, how could a girl resist?

Oh, I know, like this: No freaking way. Not this girl, not gonna happen.


GoofyGuy
Hey, peace. I was not trying to upset you. I read what you wrote, would you like to talk?


Vixen
What part of "No freaking way. Not this girl, not gonna happen." did you not understand?

NO.


-Vixen

For a refreshing change of pace, I actually had a first date last night that went well enough to warrant a second date. My date didn't try to masturbate for me or anything.

We met on FreeVanilla, and he seemed like a friendly and affable guy. He's a smartypants, which I dig, and I've given him the moniker TheEngineer because he has a Ph.D. in electrical engineering. He's also got a rock band. Nifty! I dig musicians. His photos were... iffy, but based on his other qualities, I was up for it when he suggested meeting for dinner yesterday (Tuesday). I told him that I was free that evening, and then not again until the weekend, so he suggested we meet for dinner that evening at 7.

( Read on to see how the date went )

Today's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile of the Week comes to us from FreeVanilla. Four photos accompanied this brief profile. Two were of a not particularly attractive middle aged guy, one was inexplicably of a water tower, and the last was a photo solely of his left hand, with what is clearly a wedding band on it. His profile:

Doofus66

The ring is a symbol of my vows with God I"M NOT MARRIED. On a first date, play pool..sock sorting.. and stamp licking are but a few of my many varied hobbies...On a first date..I and renfield would usually take my quarry to the grotto for some olive dip and/or a acid bath..then on to the cinema... (Eyeball and nose kissing a specialty)


Uhhhhh... OK. So, not only do you wear a wedding ring to signify your marriage to god (?!) but you felt the need to post a photo of it to your profile... and his first date plans... well first let's take a look at the fact that he refers to his date as his "quarry". The definition of quarry is:

1. an animal or bird hunted or pursued.
2. game, esp. game hunted with hounds or hawks.
3. any object of search, pursuit, or attack.

You know, that's not really how I want a guy I'm going out with to think of me. And who the hell is "renfield" and why is he accompanying Doofus66 on a first date? He suggests that he's going to take me, his prey, to a "grotto" an I'm going to take an ACID BATH? And then maybe he'll kiss my eyeballs? What the HELL?

Creepy creepy.

No, thank you.

-Vixen

Just after I sent my last message to the not-quite-anonymous Nocky, I noted that in the time it took me to type my reply, he had sent a followup message to his original insulting one FLIRTING with me and making it clear he wanted to get with me.

What the...?

After he read my reply, he sent an ugly reply, so I responded. Here's that exchange:

( Read on... )

I received the following email on FreeVanilla today:

From: Nocky
Subject: That's too much for anyone.

You are way to demanding, that is why you will never meet or be able to stay in a relationship.

Anoymous


My reply:

I am not demanding, I simply know the sort of person I am looking for, and am not willing to settle for less. And if you think a list of qualities one seeks in a mate that includes such characteristics as "smart," "witty," "emotionally stable," and "good communication skills" is too demanding for you, then clearly you are seeking women with exceedingly low standards, and I do not fit that bill.

Furthermore, brainiac, not only did you misspell anonymous, but you apparently don't understand what it means, either, considering that you sent the message from your own profile, which has a dozen photos of you, your name, your employer, AND your phone number. Not only is it not anonymous, it's practically inviting stalkers.

Good thing I want nothing to do with you, huh?

-Vixen

The problem with dating crazy people is that they always SEEM so sane at the beginning. Tommy recently posted to his Facebook status "Wouldn't it be nice if bipolar people came with warning labels attached?" Andrew replied "They do, but they're very small, so you have to get really close to see them." So astute, that Andrew. They all seem so sane at the beginning, but you have to get close and involved with said crazy person to really SEE the crazy.

Most of the time, anyways. Sometimes you can see it from a mile away. And sometimes, if you're very lucky, the crazy person knows they're crazy and shares their issues with you early on so that you can step out of the way if you so choose.

And as you might have already guessed, that last bit is what happened this time.

( Read on for the juicy details )

I started chatting yesterday with an attractive and affable guy from FreeVanilla who seemed very enthused about me and all my awesome. We got quickly into playing the Question Game, which is a simple get to know you game, the only rules are these: take turns, ask anything you like, but be prepared to answer your own question.

I play this game frequently in online chats with new people. If the conversation isn't naturally driving itself, this gives a good path for the conversation to go down - it's interesting to see the questions people ask, to see what direction in which they take the conversation, and to see them struggle to come up with more and more in depth questions so they can learn the things they're curious about me, while keeping things in the realm of topics they're willing to discuss about themselves.

And it's not surprising, really, that with boys, the questions often turn quickly (and return frequently) to sex. If I don't reign that in, the conversation will quickly devolve into nothing else. If I start answering questions about sex, before too long we'll just be having a conversation about sexual histories and proclivities, and that's not what I want. As I've said before, to avoid the guys who are interested in little more than someone to talk about (or have) sex with, I avoid talking about sex with a guy until we've gotten to know one another in person.

( Read on for more... )

I got an email on FreeVanilla today that made me say "WTF?!?" He said:

I was So impressed until you started in with the pathetic rant about sex. The world is full of stupid people, DO NOT cater to them. You're going to get insulting emails but that is why there is a delete button.

Hopefully you ditch the cynicism and allow your true greatness to shine thru unimpeded.

WTF is he talking about? Pathetic rant about sex? I took a careful look at my profile. There was no direct reference to sex, no rants, nothing cynical, nothing negative. The only thing I found in my profile that I could possibly connect to what he was saying was:

Ultimately, what I am looking for here is NOT a casual sex partner, but someone with whom there is potential for a long term relationship.

This, in between long passages of positive information about me and what I'm seeking.

So, I responded:

What "pathetic rant about sex" are you talking about?? The only thing I could think of that you could possibly be talking about is where I said "Ultimately, what I am looking for here is NOT a casual sex partner, but someone with whom there is potential for a long term relationship." - that isn't a rant nor is it cynical. It is simply a fact that there are many people on this site who are here looking primarily for casual sex partners, friends with benefits, etc. And while I have no problem with people seeking that kind of thing, it is not what *I* am looking for, so I thought it wise to be clear that I'm not looking for a casual thing, but looking for with LTR potential. I don't see how that constitutes a pathetic rant, or cynicism. I don't cater to the undesirable emails I get, and I don't generally get insulting emails. I get plenty of emails from guys who are clearly without any social skills, but they're generally just trying to be complimentary and get laid, albeit poorly. But I assure you, I am not cynical about men or dating :)


His response? Brief, and just as nonsensical:

thanks for taking the time to try to clear that up. i have different opinions on the subject but that's ok!

Different opinions on WHAT subject? It seemed almost as if he was looking at someone else's profile and emailing mine. Regardless, he's clearly an idiot. I didn't respond. I just said WTF, recorded it here for posterity so that you can see the sort of crap I have to deal with in the online dating world.

Vixen

I received this email on FreeVanilla today:

"Hey there, I was tempted to send a smart ass intended to be cute message like... wow you look like you are built for comfort not for speed :P Or something along those lines, but I won't.. ill be mature.. ish . Anyway hope today finds you well, and I hope I find ya unconscious with no one around.. I kid I kid... anyhow hit me back , would like to chat"

My response:

"Wow. Your sense of humor really sucks."

I mean REALLY. "I hope I find ya unconscious with no one around"? That's not the kind of kidding one does in an introductory email. Or on a first date. And that first comment about being built for comfort not for speed is not cute, if anything, it's insulting.

Dumbass.

-Vixen

For some reason, after posting last week about Los Lonely Boy, the crazy cat lady whose loneliness was palpable through the computer, I didn’t immediately give him the boot, I kept talking to him. It was partially his sad-and-lonely thing that kept me talking to him, partially my desire not to squish his lonely like a bug, and partially that he’d not actually asked about meeting yet. So when he’d IM me, I’d talk for a few minutes and go on my merry way. Well, last night he finally got around to asking if I was interested in meeting, and I was honest with him. I told him I had major reservations about meeting him. His loneliness concerns me – he seems very sad. Furthermore, he has no friends, and I don’t want to be his entire social life – that’s a lot of pressure. I have my doubts that we’d share much in common as far as interests and personality styles, and there’s that whole “crazy cat lady” thing too. And the fact that he’s got a kid.

So I was honest with him about my reservations, and then firmed it up from “I have reservations” to “you’re not the right guy for me”. He took it pretty graciously. And then I gave him some unsolicited advice about A. not getting frustrated that all the women you find on your dating site are just looking for sex when you’re on SEXSITE, and B. when you use derogatory terms to refer to women (even if it’s not the woman you’re talking to), it gives the impression that you have no respect for women and it will TURN THEM RIGHT OFF. Hopefully for his sake he’ll take my advice to heart and find himself a nice happy sad little woman to make his sad self more happy.

( Read on for the advice phase of that conversation… )

Today I checked my email and saw that about an hour earlier, I'd received a message on FreeVanilla. It said "my names joe and i read your profile and i am interested in u and i would like to get to know u, u look like u r 24."

Kudos for the compliment, no kudos, though, for the sentence as a whole. I tried to click on the profile, and yes, in the hour since he'd sent me the email, this genius had rethought the whole online dating thing and deleted his entire profile.

WTF?

Not like I would have responded to this genius anyhow, but really... why create an online dating profile, send a message, and then delete your profile before the person can even respond?

-Vixen

Today's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile contacted me on FreeVanilla. His email just said "Nice profile." I clicked to read his profile and was greeted by a photo that was almost disturbing. The sole photo on his profile is him with a dolphin in a pool. Given the positioning of he and the dolphin in the photo, he could well be molesting that poor dolphin. His face is partially obscured by the dolphin's head (which is thrown back open mouthed in what could be cries of laughter, fear, or ecstasy), but what you can see of his face is unattractive and frozen in a crazy and evil looking laugh. The caption of the photo is "I'm the one that's smiling". Wow, you had to point out which one was you, the crazy human or the dolphin? And seriously, this is the ONLY photo of yourself that you post to an online dating profile? The one where your face is partially obscured and you look crazycreepyweird? Do you honestly think THIS is the best photo of yourself you can post? Worse yet... is this ACTUALLY the best photo of yourself you can post?

*shudder*

Then, I read on to his profile...

( Read on for the goodness... )

Yes, my weekend has been a mixed bag. I returned from a business trip Friday evening with plans to go out with Mitch to see a mutual friend's band play. We made the plans about a month ago, and when he invited me to go see the show with him, I asked if Alice would be coming along.

"No, this isn't her kind of music. So this'll be just a you and I thing." That sounded nice, since we don't get a lot of nights out just the two of us. (More often it's a quick meal together or a quick romp together, or an evening out with a group of friends). And, given that the last half a dozen or so times we've tried to get together for a little private nookie time those plans have been thwarted for one reason or another, I was hoping this might be just the opportunity we'd been waiting for.

Buuuut no. Of course not.

( Read on, story ahead... )