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This is his profile:
Journeys
.movies,travel anywere,sports,classic rock ,to retirer young and have fun untill i'm old i'm easy going type person who love's going to classic rock concerts and football games,traveling to the Beach and the Mountains and some Beautiful woman who Love's To Have Fun And A Good Time With The One They Really Want To Be WITH And No GAMES OR DRAMA!!!!!*****.
go out for pizza and a movie or play some pool go swimming or if you want to get romantic a candelit dinner for two with soft music in the back ground and some slow dancing with hot,hot,hott passion and romanace in the air OR What Ever The Lady I'm With Wants To Do So Lets Just Have Some Fun And Have A Great Time To Remamber As Years Gose By With A Real Nice Smile And A Sparkle In Our Eyes.
Not too egregious, right? But read the email he sent me, and I dare you, I DARE YOU to see if you can make it all the way through his message without your eyes bleeding.
( Read on for the... ow. )
Case in point, today's message from a genius on FreeVanilla:
Love your hair........and those eyes.......lips.......tongue......and last but not least......those gorgeous white breastssssss. Lets play!!
My reply:
No.
Not a chance.
You wouldn't walk up to a woman in a bar and say something like that, would you? You'd probably get slapped.
It doesn't work any better here.
You're offensive, and you'll never get a chance at these "gorgeous white breastssssss." So go away now, and don't come back.
-Vixen
His email:
I will send a face pick when ready slave, u do not bark orders to anyone...u need to be taught your place....i think that u have not been trained properly and need a good flogging to get your mind right maybe a little humiliation is in order and also alot of nipple torture to remind u of who is in charge of your pussy, ass, tits, and your mind.
My reply:
Hahahahaha that was funny.
No, not with you, now way, no how, not a chance, not going to happen.
-Vixen
GoofyGuy
I am lonely and trying to get over some old relationship that went bad. So, I am trying to date. I have never been married but might like great sex soon. Anyways, if you want to talk, write back. I'd like to hear from you. Maybe we can meet tonight.
Vixen
So you're lonely, wounded from an old relationship, and "might like great sex soon".
Charming.
With an intro like that, how could a girl resist?
Oh, I know, like this: No freaking way. Not this girl, not gonna happen.
GoofyGuy
Hey, peace. I was not trying to upset you. I read what you wrote, would you like to talk?
Vixen
What part of "No freaking way. Not this girl, not gonna happen." did you not understand?
NO.
-Vixen
What the...?
After he read my reply, he sent an ugly reply, so I responded. Here's that exchange:
( Read on... )
From: Nocky
Subject: That's too much for anyone.
You are way to demanding, that is why you will never meet or be able to stay in a relationship.
Anoymous
My reply:
I am not demanding, I simply know the sort of person I am looking for, and am not willing to settle for less. And if you think a list of qualities one seeks in a mate that includes such characteristics as "smart," "witty," "emotionally stable," and "good communication skills" is too demanding for you, then clearly you are seeking women with exceedingly low standards, and I do not fit that bill.
Furthermore, brainiac, not only did you misspell anonymous, but you apparently don't understand what it means, either, considering that you sent the message from your own profile, which has a dozen photos of you, your name, your employer, AND your phone number. Not only is it not anonymous, it's practically inviting stalkers.
Good thing I want nothing to do with you, huh?
-Vixen
Not so well, as it turns out.
Today's Barney will be heretofore known, at Sarah's request, as "Slimeball Assfuckwad" (the moniker she suggested after hearing about this date). This was definitely one of those dates where I stuck around well beyond when it was clear that I never wanted to see this guy again purely for entertainment value and because I knew it would make a great story later. The stupidity of this Barney was jaw-dropping. Just wait. You'll see.
( Read on... )
red your profile thanks fore the insite,
Yes, that was the entire message. And yes, this man not only misspelled "insight", but "read" and "for". Wow, seriously? Is this guy for real? (And, um, insight into what?) I thought perhaps he was intentionally using poor spelling in a poor attempt at humor, so I looked at his profile:
Im a hard working kind of man i also like to play hard love swiming riding my jet ski boating hiking playing pool watching moovies cooking out hope to find some one that likes the same kind of things i do .I like a woman to be strong minded who spekes her mind also likes to look good and take care of her self.
Yep, that's it. And clearly the poor spelling was not intentional. And clearly, he won't be hearing from me. Spelling counts, people! If you can't even spell the simplest of words like "for" properly, then you are not the guy for me.
-Vixen
He mentions communicating with his parents, and that they're close, and then this exchange ensued:
Vixen: I understand... my mom passed away a few years ago, we were pretty close. (My dad died when I was a child)
SomeGuy: Wow, no wonder you are a go getter. AS they say in emergency, strong work on you part.
Vixen: Huh? I tell you my parents are dead, and you say I'm a go getter?
WTH? OK, one more like that, and you're out.
(stay tuned)
-Vixen
SomeGuy: you type fast.
Vixen: I type over 100wpm
SomeGuy: smokin'
SomeGuy: You type for self or others.
Vixen: Are you asking if I am a secretary?
SomeGuy: roundabout way, yes.
Vixen: No, sweetie, I'm a doctor.
Boy, don't you feel like an ass?
-Vixen
I was So impressed until you started in with the pathetic rant about sex. The world is full of stupid people, DO NOT cater to them. You're going to get insulting emails but that is why there is a delete button.
Hopefully you ditch the cynicism and allow your true greatness to shine thru unimpeded.
WTF is he talking about? Pathetic rant about sex? I took a careful look at my profile. There was no direct reference to sex, no rants, nothing cynical, nothing negative. The only thing I found in my profile that I could possibly connect to what he was saying was:
Ultimately, what I am looking for here is NOT a casual sex partner, but someone with whom there is potential for a long term relationship.
This, in between long passages of positive information about me and what I'm seeking.
So, I responded:
What "pathetic rant about sex" are you talking about?? The only thing I could think of that you could possibly be talking about is where I said "Ultimately, what I am looking for here is NOT a casual sex partner, but someone with whom there is potential for a long term relationship." - that isn't a rant nor is it cynical. It is simply a fact that there are many people on this site who are here looking primarily for casual sex partners, friends with benefits, etc. And while I have no problem with people seeking that kind of thing, it is not what *I* am looking for, so I thought it wise to be clear that I'm not looking for a casual thing, but looking for with LTR potential. I don't see how that constitutes a pathetic rant, or cynicism. I don't cater to the undesirable emails I get, and I don't generally get insulting emails. I get plenty of emails from guys who are clearly without any social skills, but they're generally just trying to be complimentary and get laid, albeit poorly. But I assure you, I am not cynical about men or dating :)
His response? Brief, and just as nonsensical:
thanks for taking the time to try to clear that up. i have different opinions on the subject but that's ok!
Different opinions on WHAT subject? It seemed almost as if he was looking at someone else's profile and emailing mine. Regardless, he's clearly an idiot. I didn't respond. I just said WTF, recorded it here for posterity so that you can see the sort of crap I have to deal with in the online dating world.
Vixen
You'd think this would have been GOOD news to bARTender. Not so much. When I told him about it, his reaction was SO negative and freaked out that it gave the impression this guy has a lot to hide and I'm best off NOT meeting him.
( Read on for the chat log... )
"Hey there, I was tempted to send a smart ass intended to be cute message like... wow you look like you are built for comfort not for speed :P Or something along those lines, but I won't.. ill be mature.. ish . Anyway hope today finds you well, and I hope I find ya unconscious with no one around.. I kid I kid... anyhow hit me back , would like to chat"
My response:
"Wow. Your sense of humor really sucks."
I mean REALLY. "I hope I find ya unconscious with no one around"? That's not the kind of kidding one does in an introductory email. Or on a first date. And that first comment about being built for comfort not for speed is not cute, if anything, it's insulting.
Dumbass.
-Vixen
Kudos for the compliment, no kudos, though, for the sentence as a whole. I tried to click on the profile, and yes, in the hour since he'd sent me the email, this genius had rethought the whole online dating thing and deleted his entire profile.
WTF?
Not like I would have responded to this genius anyhow, but really... why create an online dating profile, send a message, and then delete your profile before the person can even respond?
-Vixen
This one, I don't even understand:
I received this email from a screenname (on a vanilla dating site, no less) called "Hubbycums" (cheatermuch?):
"damn girl dem tittays on swole"
I don't even know WTF that is supposed to mean. I'm guessing it is supposed to be a compliment about the size of my chest?
But DAMN, boy, dem brainz on dumb.
-Vixen
"saw your picture you look very preety pleace reply"
Wow. Such verbosity. Such spelling. Such intelligence evident in this one. I check out his profile. It has no photo, and nothing is filled out at all.
So I respond "I didn't see your picture, or any other information in your profile, for that matter. If you want to talk to me, please post photos and fill out your profile."
His response: "sorry about that i dont have acarmer so just my meassage but i am very open guy ihope you dont mine yes i do workat best buy and that you can e.mail me any time day or ninght thank you"
Wow. So many things wrong with that sentence... poor grammar, mispellings, words run together, periods in the middle of words, and an odd admission of working retail.
So, I replied as such:
"First of all, if you work in a store that SELLS CAMERAS, you should be able to easily get photos of yourself ANY DAY OF THE WEEK on the cameras at work. Second of all, lack of a camera doesn't excuse lack of a written profile, and third of all, the inability to put together even one sentence with correct spelling and grammar in an email means you do not pass the intelligence test required to date me. Thanks for playing, but it's time to move on to the next contestant now."
*shakes head in dismay*
These are the sorts of winners I have to put up with on a daily basis. All for the sake of finding my Mr. Right. I hope he appreciates it, once I've found him.
-Vixen
i was looking at you pic and all i could is who you are and what you like,so let talk if you like to do new things.
Reply sent:
I'm sorry, but if you cannot construct even one coherent sentence, then you have failed the intelligence test required to date me.
-Vixen
( Read the rest of the paper... )
Online dating has its ups and downs. In the ups, you find true love. In the downs, your husband meets another woman online and leaves you with your two young children to go play daddy to someone else's. Sadly, that's what happened to one friend not too long ago. The woman he left his wife for, apparently, is in college. Community college. Attempting to get some sort of nursing degree (while supporting herself doing porn modeling on the side). Well, somehow (I ask not how), my friend got a hold of this woman's term paper for one of her college classes. She sent it to me, saying, in effect, "I know it's been a while since I was in college and all but... is it just me or is she dumber than a box of rocks?" She wanted a more academic opinion on the thing.
So I read the paper. I knew it was not going to go well when within the first 2 sentences, the image of a LOLcat captioned "I can haz grammar?" came to mind. Her grammar and sentence structure were horrible throughout. But what was worse, her writing was awful, her arguments wild and unsupported. She made wild assertions about the illegal immigrant population without backing up her claims. In a paranoid bigoted haze, she spouted "facts" without citing a single source, misnamed federal agencies, and didn't logically and coherently string sentences together to make a strong argument.
When writing a paper, on a paragraph by paragraph as well as on an overall basis, you present your point, you present data to support your point, and then you argue why your data proves your point. And then you summarize how all your arguments fit together and support one another, make some conclusions and suggestions for future directions, and voila, you have a half decent paper.
But oh. MUHGAWD. She couldn't even do anything close. The paper was an utter trainwreck. In just a few moments of reading, my inner professor turned on and I was in editing mode. I told my friend, clearly, this paper needed proper critique and feedback (for the entertainment of my friend and others, of course). She heartily concurred. So I went through it and added commentary throughout about what was so very very wrong and needed to be fixed about this paper. I did it the same as I would for any student, well, except that since she wasn't actually going to SEE it, I didn't hold back my snarkiness quite as much as I would have had I been trying to be considerate of someone's feelings.
My point here is twofold:
1. When dating someone (especially leaving your wife for someone), you, especially if you have any bit of intelligence (which this man does), should have some personal standards for the intelligence of the person you are with. This woman is CLEARLY full of FAIL where that is concerned. Were I dating this person and they asked me to give this paper a read, I would have to give SERIOUS, SERIOUS consideration to breaking things off with them. She's just that dumb. Really. How can he date this woman? How can he leave his sweet and smart wife for THAT?
2. This shit's so bad it's fuckin' hilarious. So I have included it here in its entirety, unedited, I swear, with my commentary and feedback added for your reading enjoyment. It's pretty short, so it's a fairly quick read, and so very worth it.
All that said, if a guy winks at me and he's really cute, I sometimes won't dismiss him entirely immediately. Usually I'll wink back, my way of saying "OK, you caught my attention, I might be interested, but you'll have to actually send me a real message if you want to get to know and/or meet me".
So, as I said, the other day a dude winked at me on PayVanilla. He was fairly attractive and I was feeling forgiving-of-not-reading-my-don't-wink-a
Wait, what?
Dude, YOU winked at ME first. I wink back, and now you're taking it back? You're not interested?
WTF? INDIANWINKER!
Bah, wasn't that cute anyways, his loss. Dumbass.
-Vixen
