Adventures in Dating

Spelling error or crisis of sexual orientation?

2009-11-26T19:53:30Z

Checking my email today, I saw that I'd received a "wink" from someone on PayVanilla. I usually don't respond to winks (If you can't be bothered to take 30 seconds to write me a brief email, I generally won't be bothered to take 30 seconds to reply). I clicked the link in the email to see the sender's profile (because, let's face it... despite my aversion to online dating 'winks', if his profile is fabulous, I am going to reply). The guy is average looking, but what catches my attention is his profile's headline:

"Superman looking for his Louis Lane!"

Either he's a gay Superman looking for a guy, or he is too poor a speller or too careless or too crappy of a Superman fanboy to realize that Superman's paramour was LOIS Lane, not LOUIS Lane.

Disqualified on account of stupidity.

-Vixen

TheLibrarian's first swinger party

2009-11-23T17:27:34Z

Before meeting me, TheLibrarian had an interest in exploring the worlds of kink and swinging, so I've been enjoying slowly introducing him to those worlds, with which I am oh-so-familiar. We've been exploring BDSM-themed kink from spanking to rope bondage, we've shared lots of hot pillow talk about trysts involving extra people, and on Halloween, I took him to a large nightclub kink-themed party, where we got to see lovely ladies strapped to a St. Andrew's Cross and flogged on stage. This weekend, I took him to his first swinger house party.

I wasn't sure how his mix of anticipation and anxiety was about the impending event (as it's something that can be pretty nerve-wracking for a lot of people), so we spent some time the afternoon of the party discussing expectations for the evening to come. He wasn't feeling particularly anxious about anything, but he appreciated my showing him the Facebook profiles of assorted folks who'd RSVP'd for the party and making some mental connections for him between the profiles and assorted stories I've relayed to him about past adventures involving the folks who would be there. I thought that putting faces to the names and stories he's been hearing would help him feel less like a fish out of water, when thrown in with a bunch of people who I knew and he didn't.

The plan for the party was for this to be an opportunity to socialize and for him to be exposed to what this whole "scene" was like without diving in to the deep end of the pool head first. We planned on socializing and likely seeing some wild stuff going on, but had no plans for the two of us to get involved in anything physical with anyone else at the party. I did, however, tell him that this is the sort of party where if you're feeling the urge to pull your partner away from the party and into a darkened room to do naughty things with them for a few minutes, that it's not only acceptable but encouraged - and that I hoped he would pull me away from the party often.

As party time approached, we spent a couple of hours snuggled up on the couch watching a movie. We were both amped up for the party and had a difficult time keeping our hands off one another - but we both wanted to keep that anticipation building until party time - because if we gave in to the temptations that were pulling at us as we watched that movie, we might exhaust ourselves in the bedroom and never make it to the party.

The first few hours of most swinger house parties appear to the outside observer just like any vanilla house party - people chitchatting and visiting with one another, nibbling at finger foods, drinking, catching up with old friends, and getting to know new ones - and this party was no different. TheLibrarian melded into the crowd rather nicely, staying largely by my side and being neither too shy and quiet nor too "out there" - being a good conversationalist and observer of people, taking in all that was going on around him. He seemed at ease in this environment, neither nervous nor overly excitable, he just went with the flow, all the while staying gently connected to me with a hand idly stroking my hair, around my shoulders, holding my hand, or caressing my ass. That was lovely, feeling connected to him while we socialized, and feeling that his desire for me was never far from the surface - we might be discussing filmmaking with a videographer friend, but I could feel his hand caressing the small of my back and wandering down to my ass and knew that, like me, his attention was split between the conversation with others and the connection and desire between the two of us.

As we wrapped up a conversation with the videographer and he wandered off to refill his drink and TheLibrarian and I were pondering 'where to go next' with our socializing, I thought this might be a perfect opportunity to escape the party for a few minutes and let my hands roam over him more freely than they were in mixed company. He was looking absolutely good enough to eat that night, in jeans and his favorite cashmere sweater, and I was having trouble not mauling him in the middle of the living room (frankly, it was a bit early in the evening for that kind of thing).

I leaned over and whispered to him "I think there's something I need to show you in the bathroom upstairs." He smiled and concurred, telling me to lead the way. I think the thought was already on his mind, but despite my telling him I wanted to escape from the party with him frequently, he wasn't sure enough of himself and his environment to initiate that. So I led him upstairs to the bathroom, and we shut and locked the door behind us.

In an instant, he was all over me. Pushing me up against the wall, he was passionate and agressive and incredibly sexy in his advances. He later said he felt terribly nervous and unsure of himself, but I sure couldn't tell - as he spun me around to face the mirror and pressed himself into me up against the vanity, the look on his face from behind me was intense and incredibly sexy as he stared into my eyes in the mirror and took me passionately from behind while we listened to the sounds of partygoers rising up from the floor just below us.

After a few exciting minutes, we adjusted ourselves and returned to the party, no one the wiser to what we'd been doing just upstairs, grinning conspiratorially to one another about the exciting tryst we'd just shared. We continued socializing, and spent the next hour or two enjoying the company of friends.

I went out to the deck for a while to chat with a friend, and when I came back inside, I found TheLibrarian chatting with Nancy, and noted that the crowd in the living room area had thinned out considerably while I was outside. While it was entirely possible some of the guests had left, I thought it far more likely that people had started to filter upstairs to the bedrooms or downstairs to the entertainment room to get it on. Typically the bedrooms upstairs were where people went to get some private space to get it on, and downstairs was a large open area filled with sofas and air mattresses where people could go to get it on in a more open environment. I figured it was likely there were some people getting it on downstairs, and thought to myself "Ooh, I bet TheLibrarian would like to see this!"

So, I asked if he might like to go downstairs to see what was going on. Not surprisingly, he liked the idea. As we started down the stairs, we could hear some moans arising from below - yep, there were definitely people getting it on down there. I wondered what sort of scene we would walk in upon.

I had no intentions for us to actually DO anything down there, just peek in and maybe stick around and watch a bit, perhaps make out a little, but I didn't think I'd be comfortable with us actually getting into it with one another down there. While I've been a swinger most of my adult life and have been in many group sex situations, I've never been much of an exhibitionist. I *can* have sex around other people, but I prefer to have privacy - I'm much less inhibited in private - although not necessarily for the reasons you might think.

During sex, I tend to get loud. Very loud. As in I've been told before "If the doorbell rings, you've got to go answer it, because it's going to be the police and they're not going to believe I've not murdered you!" I've had situations where, at house parties, I was getting it on in a private room (having been told by the hosts "a closed door means 'do not enter'"), and my screams of passion garnered so much attention that every 30 seconds someone was poking their head in the door wanting to see who was making all the noise. The frequent interruptions were incredibly distracting and frustrating. Since then, I tend to keep my voice down when in group/semi-public situations to minimize the distracting interruptions that my vocal ministrations tend to generate.

So... we wandered downstairs to see what was going on, with no intentions of actually DOING anything - but that's not exactly how it worked out.

As we walked up to the doorway of the room, it was immediately apparent to me that we could not just pause and watch from the doorway and decide if we wanted to stay or not. There was one couple in the corner on the couch screwing, and another couple standing about 2 feet from the door making out and starting to disrobe one another. We could not stay where we were in the doorway without seriously infringing on their personal space, so I took TheLibrarian's hand and led him over to the couch to sit down and watch. From where we were, we had a nice view of the two other couples going at it in the room (who were each a good 6-8 feet away from us, doing their own thing).

I figured that TheLibrarian would enjoy sitting back and watching what was going on around us while snuggling up and maybe smooching and fondling one another a bit. But he was inspired enough by what was going on around us that he spent little time looking - his lips were on me the instant we sat down - and I cannot resist that man's kisses, they simply undo me.

We sat together on the couch making out in increasingly passionate fashion for 10-15 minutes, the sounds and sights of fucking surrounding us in stereo. We were pretty intently focused on one another, so, frankly, we weren't taking more than the occasional glance at the people around us, but the sounds of sex that surrounded us were positively enticing.

Between the environment and the incredibly sexy man making out with me, after a short while, I was positively ravenous for him. I no longer cared that we were in a room full of people, I no longer cared who might see us or whose attention my cries of passion might draw, I wanted more than anything to fuck him - and I didn't want to stop what we were doing and go upstairs and HOPE that we might find a more private place to fuck. I practically growled something to the effect of "MUST... HAVE...YOUR...COCK!" - and he happily obliged. Apparently (as he told me later), he was dying to take me there, but wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable having sex with him in front of others, so he'd not tried to move things past making out (ok, call me crazy, but I find that incredibly sweet).

Now, in my swinging experience, I find that most men, particularly when doing something like this for the first time, are excited but nervous and when it comes to switch from fooling around to fucking and it's time to put on a condom, somewhere between the pause-to-put-on-condom and the actual intercourse, they lose their erection - the entire situation can be stimuli-overload, plus there's the added anxiety of having an audience, and some guys freak at the thought of getting naked around other guys. And god forbid people wander in and out of the room and/or non-sexy conversations break out nearby, the distraction of the non-sexy things going on around them can definitely mess with a guy's mojo.

But not TheLibrarian. He discovered his inner exhibitionist there on that couch. He was hard as a steel pipe the entire time, and his erection didn't flag even for a moment, much to my enjoyment. As I rode him on the couch, with the sounds of fucking all around us, I could see, he was in passionate heaven. He loved the fact that the couple to our right was openly staring at us as he made me come over and over. He loved the fact that we were surrounded by couples fucking. He loved the fact that he was making me moan and scream louder than the ladies on either side of us, and he loved the fact that the people upstairs could hear every scream, every slap of his hand against my ass as he spanked me. He even loved it when people came into the room to watch and we could hear conversations going on around us as we were lost in our intently focused passion for one another.

It was incredibly hot! And while I've done many things in my life as a swinger, that was something new for me, just completely going at it oblivious to the world around us except for the sounds of the fucking going on to either side - 3 couples going at it and feeding off one another's passions - yet physically fairly far removed from one another and not directly interacting with one another at all. It was exactly what we needed, no more and no less, the perfect way for us to delve into "not-just-the-two-of-us" sex, dipping our toes into the shallow end of the pool instead of diving in head first - and it was SO very sexy!

After quite some time, we decided to take a break from what we were doing and return to the party, both feeling happily well-fucked. As we sat around chatting with friends, the topic of the sexy goings on downstairs came up, and we grinned, blushing a bit.

One friend said "Oh yeah, I came down and took a peek at what was going on."

His girlfriend said "Oh, honey, I think every ONE of us went down there for a peek at some point." TheLibrarian grinned - he liked knowing we were putting on a show for the crowd.

We spent the next couple of hours relaxing and socializing, the party had a very nice vibe at that point, the crowd having thinned quite a bit, and the remaining 10 or so people snuggled in a circle in the living room sharing stories. I was torn between my desire to continue enjoying this relaxed vibe and my desire to take TheLibrarian home for Round 3 before it got too late. So, eventually we said our goodbyes and headed for home.

In the car on the way home, we debriefed on the party, discussed what we'd seen and heard and done and the conversation turned pretty heavily towards our sexcapades at the party and the utter hotness of it all. When we got back to the house, we walked in the door and as soon as I shut it behind me, TheLibraian laid a kiss on me so incredibly hot that I orgasmed in his arms in a matter of about 20 seconds, it just blew me away. As we pulled away from one another breathless, he pushed me towards the stairs and led me up to the bedroom.

While the sex we had at the party was incredibly hot, the sex we had when we got home blew it out of the water - it was some of the hottest and most intense sex I've ever had! At point point I said to him breathlessly "Wow, we just keep getting better and better at this together!!" (He concurred).

After he collapsed next to me post-orgasm trying to catch his breath, I chuckled and said "Oh, you're not done with me yet. I know better." He laughed in "are you kidding me?!" fashion, but like I said, I knew better. In a matter of minutes he was all over me again, and there were several more breathless collapses before we actually went to sleep sometime after 4am.

When we awoke in the morning, his passions were renewed, and he did his best to wear me out all over again (he's quite good at that whole "wearing me out" thing). With several more stops and starts, I found myself rushing to finish getting ready and get out the door to a 1pm outing with friends - which I was sorely tempted to cancel to continue our "we're exhausted but we can't get enough of one another" fest throughout a leisurely Sunday afternoon. But instead I just went, sorely, to my outing, and carried my exhausted self through the entire day before coming home in the evening to collapse and bask in the glow of our awesome weekend together.

Ahhhhh!

So... I think it is safe to say that TheLibrarian thoroughly enjoyed his first swinger party experience, and it is one we will endeavour to explore again!

-Vixen

The cure for snoring?

2009-11-23T03:44:44Z

TheLibrarian and I have been having fun as of late experimenting in the world of kink. He's inexperienced but naturally talented and very curious. After talking about it for a while, we decided to try a simple rope bondage contraption in a bondage book I have. But we had a learning curve to work at, because he's never tied anyone up with ropes before, and, well, neither have I - I've always been the one being tied up, so I don't know the techniques well enough to teach him. As we embarked upon our mission, we spent about a half an hour in supremely nerdy fashion, with the book spread out in front of us, each with a piece of rope in hand, trying, based on the photos, to master a simple lark's head knot, the basic knot needed for most of the setups in the book.

He seemed to struggle with it, but apparently practice makes perfect, because when he got around to actually trying to tie me up, he made quick work of the knots, and before I knew it, I was deliciously bound in a very helpless position, of which he took full advantage, much to my delight. He continues to surprise me with his natural talent for all things sexy.

After several very energetic hours, we collapsed together to fall asleep, and before long, TheLibrarian began to snore, a recent habit. I was spooned up behind him, with my arm thrown over around his chest. I started to lift my hand to nudge him awake, and in the dark it brushed lightly against him and he stopped snoring.

Ooh! Did I do that?

I waited for him to start snoring again and lightly touched him to see if it would make him stop. It didn't. I touched him again, and my hand found his nipple.

Inspiration struck! Devilish inspiration, that is. I thought that if I tweaked his nipple, he would be startled either into waking or stopping snoring. It worked once, but not twice. So I tweaked harder. It wasn't working. So I pinched his nipple harder. And harder.

Surely, I thought, by this point, he must be in pain! I expected at any moment for TheLibrarian to wake up crying "OW!" and groping to relieve the nipple I held in my grasp. But he didn't.

This went on for several minutes, until I was literally squeezing his nipple as hard as I could.

TheLibrarian never moved a muscle. He did, however, keep snoring.

So I gave up. I whispered, very quietly, "Sweetie, you're snoring."

He instantly stirred and woke enough to have the presence of mind to say "Oh, I'm sorry" and turn over.

The outburst of laughter that followed woke him up enough to inquire about what had just transpired. He laughed about it, and then fell right back asleep once I told him. The next morning he had just enough memory about it to know he needed to ask what happened - he's still amazed and amused by the fact that he slept right through it all.

Me, I'm still giggling.

-Vixen

Geeky vs. Dorky

2009-11-20T22:10:56Z

I started chatting the other day with a new gent from PayVanilla who seemed affable and smart. When we chatted about what we do for a living, he told me he designs games. I asked what sort, and he explained, in as elementary terms as he could, that he designs superhero themed role playing games (think RPGs like Dungeons and Dragons). He was impressed that I knew what the hell he was talking about. I assured him that I Speek Geek (and while I don't play RPGs, I've dated enough geeks who did that I'm familiar with the genre).

I did a Wikipedia search on his game company, and sure enough, found his company's entry, which, under company history, mentioned his purchase of the company some years ago, and linked to his own entry.

Ooh! He's like famous enough (heh) to have his own Wikipedia entry! In it, it listed the many games he has designed over the years and that before he got into game development, he used to be an attorney.

Interesting!

But one thing was holding me back from being enthused about him. He only posted one photo to his profile, and it was hard to tell if he'd be cute or not based on that one photo. It was a little far away and not the clearest and made it hard to tell if he'd be geeky or dorky. I like geeky - geeks-r-hawt. Give me a smart, cute, hip, stylish geek like TheLibrarian and I'm a happy girl. I don't so much like dorky.

So, we chatted a bit more, and I asked him to send some more photos. Unfortunately, the photos confirmed what I was worried about - he definitely leans far more towards dorky than geeky... kind of soft and doughy looking, with no fashion sense, a pudgy face and glasses styled in the 90s, the sort of guy who looks like he's spent way too much time hanging out in his mother's basement fueled by Mountain Dew playing RPGs and not nearly enough time out in the real world, there was little attraction. Furthermore, by comparison, it appeared that the photo on his profile was probably 10 years old - and posting misleading photos does not win brownie points with Vixen. Regardless, the photos confirmed for me that no matter how smart or funny or interesting he might be, I would not be attracted to him.

So, alas, this particular dork will lose out.

-Vixen

Tommy revisited

2009-11-20T21:48:39Z

Half a year or so ago, I wrote about Tommy, the popular party boy who, after we became Facebook friends, confessed he'd always wanted to get to know me better but was intimidated by me (and his mis-perception that I was a dominatrix and was going to kick his ass). I haven't seen him since then, but have followed the goings on in his life as they appeared in my Facebook newsfeed.

Shortly after we saw one another last at Andrew and Serena's party, he dove head first into a relationship with a new girl. Several times a day there were gushy updates about spending time with her, or looking forward to spending time with her, or how totally awesome and in love they were. In a matter of weeks they'd moved in together. It wasn't but a month or two before he announced that they were engaged. And with the breakneck pace of it all... it didn't take much to see the writing on the wall - relationships that become that intense and progress that quickly rarely last - I saw a firey crash coming in the not too far off future, so I just kept my mouth shut and kept in touch commenting on one anothers' Facebook posts, largely ignoring the impending doom that would spell the end of their relationship. And sure enough, it took less than 6 months for the explosion to occur. Via Facebook, I saw his relationship status go from "engaged" to "single" - and then, in a matter of days, back to in a relationship and back to single again. Meanwhile he's posting in his status updates about how it's over and she's crazy (and then they're trying again, and then they're through again), about how he's looking for a new place to live, and how life's all kind of going to hell in a handbasket lately.

And then things seemed to settle down, and I got an email from him. After some buildup about how he's been meaning to email me for months and how it's an email he'd probably end up waiting until after he'd slept to write that led me to think he was going to embarassingly profess some undying love or lust for me, he basically said that he'd long been impressed by me and really wanted to get to know me better in person, not just online/in the party scene. While we've known each other for at least a couple of years now, we've never socialized outside of parties one-on-one.

We exchanged a few emails, and eventually, he invited me to join him for brunch on Sunday. I was up for meeting, but a few things gave me pause: Was he wanting to become better friends, or was he wanting to date me? Because dating me wasn't going to happen for a number of reasons: 1. his history with women this past year has been kind of insane, demonstrated poor judgment, and indicates he's probably not the kind of guy I want to date. 2. he was involved for a time with Nancy, and she walked away from it with a very bad taste in her mouth, and 3. he gets involved in some very risky and illegal activities that make him an OK friend candidate, but not a good life partner candidate.

But even with all that water under the bridge, I think he'd be fine as a friend to hang out with once in a while, just not likely someone I'd want to date. So I agreed to go out with him, unsure of his agenda for the afternoon. It was a beautiful day out, so he suggested a motorcycle ride, and brought his motorcycle with him to pick me up and head to a nearby restaurant we both love.

The motorcycle was... well, the most uncomfortable motorcycle I've ever been on. While I don't do it often, I thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to get on the back of a friend's bike and go for a ride out in the country. But on this bike, 5 minutes to the restaurant had me pondering the benefits of walking back. It's a sport bike, which generally involves a lot of leaning forward to reach the handlebars, and some genius set the passenger seat 6" higher than the driver seat, resulting in me having to lean forward at an uncomfortable angle to get my arms around him and not fly off the back.

But anyways, there we were, at lunch. As I said, I wasn't sure if this was a friendly lunch or a datey lunch. It quickly became apparent to me that it was a friendly lunch, because no man in his right mind trying date a woman would spend so very much time on his first date talking about his crazy exes and love life. I became his de facto therapist for an hour as we discussed the drama his life has been through in the past year, between being left by his wife, getting subsequently involved with not one but TWO batshit crazy women in quick succession, drug deals gone wrong, nights spent in jail, and all kinds of other fun stuff. We had an interesting talk about recognizing ones' negative relationship patterns (and what draws us to the same types of people with whom to repeat those patterns over and over), and how to avoid repeating them in the future.

While some people might get annoyed at becoming de facto therapist for the afternoon, I found hearing about the craziness that has come to pass in his life this past year pretty entertaining. I always say - drama is always entertaining, as long as it's somebody else's.

After lunch, we re-boarded the uncomfycycle, and headed back to my place. He asked if he might come in for a drink. Again, I questioned whether he thought we were in the friend zone or the dating zone (despite the talk-of-exes that had come before), and wondered if he was going to try to make a move on me. Thankfully, I didn't have to rebuff any move-making, and we just sat on the couch and chatted for another hour or so without him trying to put the slick moves on me.

All in all, an enjoyable afternoon, which we may do again.

But yeah, NOT going to date him.

-Vixen

Time to cut him loose

2009-11-18T23:18:25Z

After our last encounter, it became apparent to me that it was time to cut TheWelder loose. He came into this thing with me having been receiving some sort of "training" in BDSM and being a Dom but with little experience, and was eager to explore. We were both very clear that whatever our chemistry might be, this was to be a friends-with-benefits situation, not a romantic dating situation.

So, after our last get together was kind of a dud because he psyched himself out, I figured he'd be eager to find a time to get together and try again. So when I talked to him a few days later and we talked about getting together again... I noticed he was fairly evasive about being nailed down to any one thing or another. He more or less was busy all weekend, but it turned out we were planning on going to the same potluck party (bARTender was planning on bringing him along), so we discussed seeing one another at the party and then hanging out at my house after the party ended.

So, it seemed that was settled, we'd get together Saturday night. Saturday afternoon, I sent him a text message saying "Pssst. See you tonight?" to get confirmation that he was still coming. He texted back a moment later giving a few excuses about why he wasn't going to be able to come after all which sounded plausible enough, but I got the feeling he was just blowing off me and the party. I texted him back saying "Oh, too bad. Free Sunday?"

Now, while when I'd texted him the first time he responded immediately, this time he didn't. When I looked at my phone about 5 minutes later and he'd still not responded, I sent him a message saying, truthfully, "FYI, if you want to see me again before sometime in December, it's going to have to be tomorrow, next Friday, or next Sunday." - I figured if he honestly wanted to find time to get together, it would be helpful to know that I only had 3 possible days where our schedules might intersect in the next 3 weeks or so.

But I wasn't at all surprised when he didn't respond.

My spidey sense was tingling. This was not a case of someone who honestly had some things come up last minute but genuinely wanted to get together again, this was someone who was having "issues" and withdrawing in an immature fashion.

So, when I saw him online later that night after I got home from the party he bailed on, I IMed him, and this conversation ensued (my comments, as always, in italics):

Vixen: So... TheWelder... correct me if I'm wrong, but I've been getting the impression you're not so eager to make plans to get together again.

TheWelder: Well, I dont want to sound mean, but I feel you have been coming across a little pushy about getting together, and pushy scares me. I am not looking for a relationship

Pushy? So when you cancel our plans last minute and I ask when you want to reschedule, despite our earlier conversations to the contrary, I am now looking for a relationship? Listen buddy, I was doing you a solid by being very patient and doing a lot of handholding through this whole thing and giving you another chance to wow me with your sexual and/or dominant prowess. And my patience won’t hold out for long, I’m not going to spend another month chitchatting with you online while waiting to get together again just see if we have any physical chemistry for this whole Dom/sub thing you want to explore.

Vixen: I'm not looking for a relationship with you either. You say you want this to be a sexual relationship, but I've got no idea if we've even got any sexual chemistry. The time where our schedules coincide is very limited, and if it's going to be a see you every few weeks kind of thing and maybe in a few months we get around to actually exploring our kinky chemistry together, frankly, I'm going to end up getting bored waiting around for something to happen.

TheWelder: I realize that, but with everyone, I don't want to see anyone too often

Vixen: I've got to go, but you think about just what it is you want and let me know. You say you want a sexual friendship, and I'm totally cool with that. But... for someone who claims to want a sexual friendship, you're making it awfully hard for yourself to get laid

TheWelder: hahaha, I understand. Have a good night

And later after a visit from Mitch where he did things to me that would make TheWelder blush…

Vixen: hi again

TheWelder: hey

Vixen: sorry I had to jet earlier, a friend stopped by for a while

TheWelder: thats cool

Vixen: so, any thoughts on the earlier conversation (and what it is you want)?

TheWelder: what you mean?

Vixen: when I said :I've got to go, but you think about just what it is you want and let me know.“

Vixen: Oh, I just now saw your comment from earlier about not wanting to see anyone too often...but I'm not sure how you expect to build up a sexual and kinky rapport (and build and explore your skills and experience as a dom) if you're only seeing any given person once in a blue moon.

TheWelder: Ok, not to sound mean, but I have no problems finding sex. I am not concerned about building my skills because it will happen in time when i want it to. I dont want to rush anything, that is what is making me feel uncomfortable. Wanting it to happen before I am ready

You idiot, I don’t doubt you can find sex if you want it – so can I – but if you want to establish a sexually dominant role with me, you’re going to have to get sexual with me. But apparently you’re so uncomfortable getting into your dominant role that it’s killing your sexual mojo too.

Vixen: I guess I thought you WERE ready, which is what you were looking to explore with me. I can find sex elsewhere too, but I can't build a kinky rapport with someone without building a sexual rapport first.

Vixen: And since you seemed to have cold feet when it came to the kink stuff, I figured starting with sex (not uncharted territory for you) would be easier for you

Vixen: Frankly, it seems like you don't know what you want and/or how to make it happen for yourself, so perhaps this isn't a good match. I'm looking for a dom who is actually ready and able to explore domming me.

TheWelder: Well i thought I was ready too. I am sort of close. I have been feeling more confident lately. Been learning more. Sex is easy, BDSM takes getting used to

Vixen: that's why I suggested starting with the sex. BDSM grows out of that pretty naturally in my experience.

TheWelder: its not about sex. Its about being comfortable with what I am doing. and I am feeling pressured...

Vixen: OK. Well, it wasn't my intent to make you feel pressured, of course. You pursued this, I thought you were ready, and I was trying to help you along when you seemed unsure of your way.

Vixen: But this (getting involved with someone who's unsure of what he wants and not ready to move forward with what he's setting out to explore) is not what I'm looking for...

TheWelder: well I thought I was ready too.

TheWelder: Well I am sorry if that is the way you feel. Like I said I dont want to feel pressured. Everything comes when it is time. I am sorry if it wasnt the right time for us.

Vixen: It's ok.

And that was about that. He added some stuff about how great I am and he’s just not ready yet, but I’d lost interest in listening to him go on any further. I so don’t need to waste time on someone who doesn’t know what they want, isn’t ready for what they think they want, and are useless when it comes to communicating effectively about it.

-Vixen

Best. Breakup line. EVER.

2009-11-18T21:05:06Z

Found online: a guy posts to an anonymous message board, asking for suggestions for a breakup text message to send his girlfriend. The replies are predictably rude and childish, full of nastiness towards the girlfriend, like "fuck you whore. it's over. go get tested. also, your mom/sister is a better bang. also, a bitchin tagteam."

And it went on this way for a while, until someone posted the best breakup line (and response to the posts before it) EVER:

ALL I'VE EVER WANTED IS TO BE FUCKED FROM BEHIND.

COCK IS MY DESTINY.

GOODBYE FAIR MAIDEN.

Loved it! "Cock is my destiny" as a euphemism for "I've gone gay" was brilliant. Ahh, Internets, I love you.
-Vixen

bARTender and I cross paths... again.

2009-11-10T01:29:51Z

Back in June, I encountered bARTender on BDSMsite, a kinky starving artist/bartender who freaked out and declined to meet me once he realized that we had mutual friends. After he took flight, I quickly put him out of my mind. So when he showed up at a party I threw recently, I didn't even realize it was him.

Here's how it went. Our mutual friend, John, was invited to a party I was throwing. When he arrived mid-party and introduced his friend, I (and many of the other guests) just assumed the man accompanying John was his date. I'm not close enough to John to be kept abreast of his breakups and new beaus, so I just assumed this was the flavor-of-the month. bARTender looks to be about the same general size, age, style, and attractiveness-level of men that John usually dates, so we all just assumed bARTender was his date (and therefore gay). It didn't even occur to me that his 'date' was actually the same bARTender I'd encountered online some months earlier - the photos he'd shared were a bit fuzzy, and frankly, he looked nothing like what I pictured from the photos I'd seen.

Without realizing who he was (and so therefore not recalling the weird way in which things went down between us), I made friendly chitchat with him, played party games with him, and generally made him feel welcome. At one point, John apologized to me for bringing him without asking, and said he hoped it was ok. My response was to say that of COURSE it was OK and any friend of his was welcome (and thinking to myself "Why wouldn't it be ok to bring your new boyfriend along?")

bARTender, too, made his apologies at one point while we were chatting - but I misunderstood what he was apologizing for. I thought he was apologizing for not thanking me properly for welcoming him, because he'd just realized that I was the hostess and homeowner. In fact, he was apologizing for just showing up the way he had. Apparently John had not told him where they were going for the evening, just told him they were going to a party, and didn't tell him until they were halfway across town (in John's car) whose party they were attending. By the time he realized where they were going, it was too late to back out, and he hoped I didn't mind.

Of course I didn't realize what he was saying and said it was fine.

It wasn't until later in the evening (after wondering a few times why John's boyfriend was showing such an interest in talking with me at length) that I realized who he was. I started to have my suspicions, and they were confirmed when he relayed a tale to another party guest, the punch line of which was "that's what happens when you're the token straight guy out at a gay bar with your gay friends."

Shortly thereafter, he stepped outside to have a cigarette, and I joined him. We were alone outside, so I candidly told him that I'd just now put all the pieces together and realized who he was. We had a long talk and cleared a lot of things up, and got rid of any bad blood between us. In fact, it seemed we had a lot in common and found lots to discuss. He was very attractive in person, and given our shared interest in kink, it seemed worth exploring our interaction further after the party.

So, after the party, we started chatting online and even got together. I knew he wasn't a candidate for a relationship, as he was currently unemployed and without transportation of his own (and lives half an hour away). BUT, given that he has substantial experience as a Dom, I was interested in exploring getting to know him further in the interest of friendship and possibly becoming kinky playmates.

But I was getting kind of mixed signals from him. A basis for friendship seemed to be there, but I couldn't seem to discern if he was interested in more than that. He was flirty, but not overt. One day, he told me that he had recently taken on a longtime friend as a student Dom (which I gathered, in his "tradition" of BDSM meant that he was mentoring and teaching his friend how to be a good Dominant, the protocols and props of his particular traditions, maybe involve him in some scenes with bARTender's submissives where his student was dominant to the sub, yet still submissive to/following the lead of bARTender). He said that he'd just gotten his friend set up with an account on BDSMsite and suggested that I get in touch with him and make him feel welcome.

I got the feeling this was a case of "I'm not into you, but maybe my friend will be." If that be the case, so be it. Like I said, I'd been getting mixed signals about his interest. I both contacted his friend, and asked him point blank (twice, before getting an answer) about whether he wanted to be friends or something more. He chose friends. That was fine by me, there are a number of reasons why he might be a fun dalliance, but fraught with issues.

His friend and I got in touch and started chatting online and on the phone. Our personalities seem to click well, but there were stumbling blocks to this ever having a chance of becoming anything more than a friends-with-benefits situation. The primary stumbling block is that he works second shift as a welder - during the week he works till 1am, which basically means the only time we can get together is on weekends. He's not looking for a romantic relationship, and, frankly, while I think he's really spiffy, I'm not looking for a romantic relationship with a guy who works second shift and lives with his parents. Yet TheWelder and I share an interest in kink that is worth exploring.

He is really just exploring himself. He's long been the "nice guy who's passionate and dominant in bed" archetype that I so adore, but has been in vanilla relationships where he's not gotten to explore that much behind a little rough sex with his significant other and attending a kink-themed nightclub party now and then. Now, his friend is teaching him how to develop that dominant side of himself and follow a formalized training and tradition of BDSM (whatever the particular tradition bARTender himself was trained in - there are many). He's been learning for a while now, but has yet to have the opportunity to put any of it to use himself one on one with a partner.

I was happy to explore together.

After TheWelder and I had been talking to one another for a while, we started making plans to meet, but due to our discordant schedules, it took a while to make it happen. One night during that time, I was chatting with bARTender online, and he was asking me how things were going with TheWelder, what did I think of him and so on. I was rolling my eyes a bit at the interrogation, because it felt like middle school "do you like him, or do you LIKE him like him?" kind of stuff.

He grandiosely suggested that he supposed he aught to arrange a time for us all to get together so that he could introduce TheWelder to me.

As Nancy later astutely said about this, "He's trying to control this too."

I thanked bARTender, but told him that he'd already made that introduction by suggesting I contact him online, and that TheWelder and I were big kids and could handle the concept of meeting and getting to know one another juuuuust fine on our own. Frankly, it would have been somewhat weird and awkward to have him present us to one another like that, and would have gotten in the way of TheWelder and my ability to just focus on talking to and getting to know one another.

bARTender seemed disappointed that I neither wanted nor needed his help to advance things along with TheWelder.

But advance things we did. We finally got to meet, and met for dinner at a diner near my house. He was even better looking in person than in his photos, a tasty shaven headed, tattooed guy who fell into conversation with me easily. We had a good time over dinner, but it was over quickly and we were searching for something else to do together, so I suggested we go hang out at my place nearby. Normally I wouldn't invite a guy home on the first date but A. he was a longtime friend of a friend and I wasn't concerned for my safety with him and B. since I wasn't really considering him as a romantic dating prospect, I wasn't really concerned with waiting some period of time before letting him make a move on me.

So we came to my place and sat talking for a couple of hours... and then we watched a movie for a couple of hours... and then he gave me a hug and went home.

And not once in all that time did he make a move on me. When he hugged me goodnight, he turned his face away from mine, which I took to mean he wanted to avoid me thinking he might want to kiss me.

So, OK, he wasn't into me, no harm no foul, we still seemed to have a good time hanging out, and if all he was looking for was friendship, no big deal.

Imagine my surprise when I chatted online with him a couple of nights later and he was all flirty with me. He said he'd gotten some new restraints and suggested he might use them on me. I said "You want to use your restraints on me, eh?" and he asked why he wouldn't. I told him that I'd gotten the impression that he wasn't attracted to me. He apologized and said that wasn't at all the case, and that he had kicked himself after he'd gotten home for not kissing me goodnight. He was nervous with me, which surprised me, because he seems like the sort of guy who's probably usually pretty smooth with the ladies.

But to him this is a thing of a different flavor. This is a Dom/sub interaction he's endeavoring to enter into in a certain fashion, and he's ten kinds of anxious about somehow doing it wrong. I encouraged him not to worry for the time being about "Being my Dom", but just on getting to know me, seducing me, building a sexual rapport with me. He's used to letting his Dominant side out just a little bit with his lovers, I said to consider me a new (potential) lover that he knew was into the same kinks as he, and would enjoy it if he let that side of himself loose. I suggested that we just work on the sex part (which he's plenty familiar with, I am sure), and that the D/s interactions would develop naturally.

But still, the thought of meeting up with me and hooking up with me for the first time was totally psyching him out, although I didn't know it at the time. I had the impression that what he WANTED to do was come over here and have his way with me, and I was OK with that (but thinking that we'd do best to explore our sexual compatibility before we tried to throw too much formal D/s interaciton into it). Little did I know this was actually foreign territory to him and he was unsure quite how to handle it.

So a few hours before he was to come over, two things happen. First, he suggested that when he arrive, we go have some dinner (a chance to talk and re-familiarize ourselves rather than being expected to jump into the sex zone). Then, he got a call from bARTender, who needed to borrow a coat for a party he was going to that evening, and wanted TheWelder to drop it by on his way out to see me.

But more about what happened during that visit later.

TheWelder came and picked me up, and we had a lovely dinner, and came back to my place. I put on some music and we sat on the couch and talked. And we talked. And we talked and talked. And I started to wonder if he was EVER going to make a move on me. We talked some more. We got to that stage where you both KNOW one of you needs to make a move, and you keep stopping to stare goofily at one another.

Now, I could have just kissed him. But he's wanting to be the Dominant, and so I want to let him take control and lead the interaction - if I tackle him and start making out with him, well, that's not very submissive, now is it?

But damn, this was getting just silly! So, when he asked me during one stare-at-each-other moment what I was thinking, I told him that I was wondering if he was ever going to work up the nerve to KISS me.

He chuckled and said that could be arranged, and FINALLY, he kissed me.

And we made out for a while, but it never went beyond kissing. I was wondering if he was ever going to escalate this any further. And then he stopped. We started talking and before I knew it, we were talking and talking at length again and not so much with the kissing and the getting it on.

He expressed some more his nervousness about being a good Dom, and I again suggest he not focus on that, that we just focus on building an intimate and sexual connection and let the rest blossom naturally from that, but he was psyching himself out. I was surprised by how nervous he was with me.

He went outside for a smoke, and when he came back in, shivering from the cold, I was laying on the couch under a blanket, so invited him to join me. Yet still, snuggled up on the couch, face 2 inches from mine, he spent a lot more time talking than kissing, and when he was kissing me, he never pushed it beyond there (although nice kissing with passion potential it was).

Now, to his credit, he wasn't just talking about completely inane topics. We talked at length about the fact that he very much wanted to bed me, but that his mojo was kind of screwed up by... well...

...well, back to that visit to bARTender on his way over to see me.

So, when he went to see his mentor, bARTender grilled him about what his plans with me were and gave him a pep talk of sorts, listing things that he should be sure to talk to me about (e.g. boundaries, safewords), and specific things that he should do with me and say to me. As he's telling me about this, I asked him for some examples of the things that bARTender instructed him to say to me. He was a bit embarrassed to say, but relayed one instruction that involved some specific things to say to me while sucking his cock, and instructing me that if I was very good to his cock, I might get it somewhere else, next time.

I chuckled. TheWelder said he felt kind of silly about that one, particularly because he didn't like the idea of not putting his cock in those other places if he didn't have to. But more than that, he didn't know how to get from Nice Guy sitting on the couch chitchatting with and/or necking with the pretty girl to Stern Dominant, directing his submissive this way and that. I kept trying to tell him that he needn't worry about Being the Dominant part, and should just focus on the part he was already familiar with: seducing the lovely lass already in his arms. But bARTender had gotten it in his head with his pep talk that he was supposed to jump right to being SuperDom, and he was having such a mental blockage with it all that he'd psyched himself out and was too anxious with performance anxiety to actually seduce me and have sex with me. He worried that his anxiety would lead to a poor performance, and he wanted to put his best foot forward when we did that, so to speak.

So, what it all came down to was that in his further efforts to control our interactions, bARTender's primer on what to do on his date with me had actually gotten in the way of our ability to get it on and build better intimate rapport with one another. We talked about bARTender's controlling ways - I told him my experiences, and he relayed some of his own, about how bARTender has acted in several instances as if he should have some supervision over his interaction with women to whom he introduced TheWelder, even going so far as to imply he should be thankful because bARTender gave him "his leftovers". (Yes, his words).

When TheWelder mentioned this, I laughed, and said not to worry, it hadn't gone over my head that bARTender had passed me off to him because he wasn't interested in me - but that I was glad he'd introduced us, because I liked him. He volunteered that the reason bARTender hadn't pursued me himself was because I remind him of someone (ex, relative, I'm not sure), and he just couldn't 'go there'. OK, sure, fine, no harm, no foul.

One thing TheWelder and I agreed upon was that after making his introductions, bARTender had no place to have any say in what goes on between TheWelder and I, that we want to develop whatever friendship we develop on our own. As his friend and mentor, I certainly don't mind if ThWelder talks to him and/or seeks advice about his interactions with me. But bARTender needs to get it out of his head that he has any say in what happens with us.

Because that just won't do.

And now, we have to wait (at least) another week before getting together and trying again.

Oh, bother.

-Vixen

Halloween with TheLibrarian

2009-11-04T21:52:48Z

I've been seeing TheLibrarian for about a month and a half now, and so far, things are going swimmingly. We're still in non-exclusive land for the time being, but are really enjoying our time together. He is, as I've previously mentioned, still very fresh out of his marriage, and not settling immediately into another relationship is probably a wise idea. In addition to seeing me, he's been seeing another woman who's married and in an open polyamorous relationship, which makes for an interesting dynamic. I don't really see her as 'competition' in the sense that he's dating us both and trying to decide which of us he wants to "pick" for an exclusive long term relationship - as this other woman isn't available for that. He's not endeavouring to date anybody else, as between me and this other woman, he's got his hands quite happily full.

As for me, my girly emotional side might prefer to go exclusive and focus on developing a full on romantic relationship, but my logical side knows it's healthy and probably advisable for him to move slowly with regards to ensuring he's worked through any lingering issues from his marriage and figuring out the path he needs to be on moving forward, and knows that I don't know him well enough yet to know if he's "the one", and so it would behoove me to keep looking to see if "the one" is elsewhere.

But in the meantime, I just really really dig him. He’s beautiful (ohhhh, that jaw line!). He's smart. Arguably, he's a nerd. But in that way that totally turns me on. One day he wrote me an email including a long rambling discourse on the eroticism of George Gershwin's early works as compared to his contemporaries and to his later works, and my first reaction when I read it was "Wow, he's SUCH a music nerd!" and then "Ohmygod that was HOT, letmereaditagain!!"

We share a lot of interests, and our physical chemistry continues to be off-the-charts awesome. We are of very similar mind when it comes to sexual turnons and fantasies... sometimes I wonder if he can read my mind. The other day he unleashed a litany of pillow talk while we were having sex that centered around a very specific fantasy archetype that drove me up a wall. I didn't tell him until afterwards that that particular fantasy archetype had been working its way into my own personal sexual fantasies since my early teens. And he picked up on it seemingly at random (and/or out of his own deep-seated fantasies). Hot!

So, this past weekend was Halloween, my favorite party time of the year. Every year, local swinger and kink groups have big costume bashes on Halloween, and I hate to miss them. He'd never been to any such parties, but was keenly curious to go, so we decided that for Halloween this year, we'd first go to a (vanilla) house party being thrown by a friend, then go to the big kink party being thrown at a local nightclub.

As we pondered costumes, I suggested one that would be easy for us to pull off - priest and catholic schoolgirl. I already had the costume (heh, heh, heh), and all he would need do is buy a priest shirt to wear with some black dress pants. I told him that the area's local Christian bookstores would sell them, so off my atheist Librarian went to procure the shirt. The proprietress asked him if he was a priest. He didn't feel right lying to the nice woman, so he just smiled softly and said no. She asked if perhaps he was a seminary student. Again, he said no. After one more query got another no out of him (and no further offer of details), she wisely stopped asking.

Frankly, I was really looking forward to seeing him in costume. In costume, TheLibrarian totally would look the part of a priest, and the roleplay possibilities were deliciously endless. We were both interested in exploring some priest-schoolgirl roleplay, and discussed in great detail the sorts of things that turned us on about such a scenario. Geeks that we are, we even get nerdy about making sex great. And it SO works.

And when he arrived on Halloween, RAWR! He looked hot! And, if I do say so myself, so did I.

Since I was planning on going out for the evening on Halloween, I didn't buy any candy for trick-or-treaters. But it didn't occur to me until Halloween afternoon that I wouldn't be leaving until after trick-or-treating began. So, I left my porch light off, the universal symbol for "no candy!" This worked for several hours. But...

Once he arrived, Father Librarian wasted little time in laying his hands and lips on me. We were standing in the midst of the living room making out, my top open enough to reveal part of my matches-my-plaid-skirt bra, and there's a knock at the door.

We froze. I glanced around, realizing that given the windows surrounding the front door, we were standing within eyeshot of anyone standing on the porch. And there was a little person on the porch, I could just see the top of a head through the window. I realized that I could not answer the door because A. I was indecently dressed, and B. I had no candy to offer.

So we ran quickly into the kitchen and hid from the trick or treaters. And it was there that I got mauled for the first time by the priest. Father Librarian did very naughty things to his little schoolgirl before they even made it out of the house, yum!

We went to the first party and had a great time there. He got to meet some of my friends, and much socializing fun was had by all. But that was really our party-appetizer for the evening. The main event was the kink party we were going to afterward.

I knew it would all be a lot of new stuff for TheLibrarian to take in. Certainly he's been to nightclubs and dance parties before, but the costumes at this party were considerably wilder and kinkier than those at your average party, and there was a vendor set up near the bar selling floggers and paddles and restraints and other BDSM equipment. As we moved through the bar into the dance floor area, I saw that the party's "play area" was set up on the stage on the other side of the dance floor. Part of it was curtained off for privacy, but there was a St. Andrew's Cross set up in plain view on the stage (think big wooden X with restraints at the 4 tips). A lovely lass wearing nothing but ruffled panties was being strapped to the cross, and a leather clad Dom was getting ready to flog her with a heavy leather flogger.

I knew what was coming. I've seen this sort of thing plenty of times before. TheLibrarian, however, has not. I knew he'd want to see this! I took him by the hand and led him through the crowd to a spot right in front of the stage. I planted him facing the stage and stood in front of him, facing him. Since he’s half a foot taller than me, I knew he could see right over my head, so I told him “You watch, and tell me what you see.” And then, we danced. We danced, and danced, and danced. His eyes played back and forth between the lovely lass in front of him and the lovely lass up on stage. He surprised me by being quite a sensual dancer, and we had a great time on the dance floor.

We did a little socializing with assorted friends of mine we ran into while we were there, but frankly, we were too wrapped up in each other to be terribly interested in the other people around us. Eventually our hormones got the better of us, and we hightailed it out of there and headed to his house a few miles away.

While we’d both been teasing around at our roles as priest and schoolgirl all evening, when we got home, we went into full-on roleplay mode. We were no longer Vixen and TheLibrarian, he was my priest and I was his 15-year old precocious young parishioner. He stayed in character for hours, and it was HOT HOT HOT! He made for a VERY hot priest-seductor to my innocent ingénue.

We finally collapsed into slumber exhausted in the wee hours of the morning. After a few hours of sleep, our hands and mouths and bodies found each other once again, and we awoke to our passions rising once more. He said he wanted to cook me breakfast and then bring me back upstairs to have his way with me again.

But somehow, he didn’t seem able to tear himself out of my arms to go make breakfast until he had his way with me first. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. Because not only did I get to wake up to the hot nookie, but he cooked me french toast and then took me back upstairs for more nookie! By the time we were done with that, it was mid-afternoon, and we were hungry again. He lives a block from a major shopping area, so we went for a walk in search of food, and poked around the shops together while we pondered what to eat.

Afterwards, we came back to his place and did something as-yet-unheard of for us. We watched a movie! An entire movie! This was probably afforded only by the fact that we’d worn ourselves out so thoroughly in the preceeding 24 hours that we had little energy left to pounce one another. But we stayed snuggled up throughout, both of us struggling between our warring desires to see the movie, to pounce on one another, and to fall asleep.

After the movie, it was getting rather late, so we packed up my things so he could take me back to my side of town. We stopped for a nice leisurely meal along the way, and then he took me home. And since it had been like…. SIX HOURS since the last time we had sex… well, he couldn’t go home without having me one more time, and we had an explosive tryst that left us both panting for air.

As we lay snuggling and talking in the afterglow, I chuckled, recalling that in the first week or so of getting to know him, I’d asked him, in a perfect world, if he had access to his partner as often as he liked, how often he would have sex. He suggested that 2-3 times a week was probably more than enough for him. At the time, it gave me pause about whether he’d be able to keep up with my (considerably higher than that) sex drive.

Now, I mentioned it again and laughed at the notion that 2-3 times a week was plenty for him. I’ve been seeing him 2-3 times a week, and each time, we’ve had sex 2-3 (or more) times in the evening, and another time in the morning before we part ways. And that’s not even taking into account the sex he’s having with the other woman he’s seeing. We agreed that when the sex you’re having is mediocre, 2-3 times a week is plenty – but when you’re having great (and greatly varied) sex… there’s no room to get bored, and his sex drive has jumped up considerably. Yay for that!

All in all, a splendid weekend. I enjoyed sharing the kink party with him and broadening his horizons, so to speak. A few days later, I spent the evening with TheEngineer, the very nice engineer and musician who I put firmly in the Friend Zone after a few dates revealed zero romantic/physical chemistry. Over dinner, he asked what I’d done for Halloween. I mentioned that I went to a couple of parties, and told him about the first party I went to, without going into detail about the second. He asked about the second party, and considering that he strikes me as a very vanilla, non-kinky, and somewhat naive about such things kind of guy, I didn’t think it advisable to tell him that I went to a kink party, so rather than mentioning the party by name, I mentioned it by location, naming the nightclub where it was held.

Imagine my surprise when he said “Oh, yeah! How was that? I know the folks who run those parties… I went to their Pirate Party a few months back. I’m friends with the DJs too, they spin my stuff sometimes.”

Oh! Perhaps he’s more kinky than I suspected! Or maybe he just knows these folks from being a part of the industrial music scene? Hmm, which is it? I treaded carefully through the conversation as it continued. I confirmed that it was the latter, not the former, when he described, with wrinkled nose, seeing people being lead around by leashes and people getting flogged on stage, as if it was weirdness and done purely for show, as if no one would actually be “into” that sort of thing. Rather than give him an education on the BDSM scene (and reveal my true kinky nature), I asked more about his connection to the DJs. He said they were pretty good friends, and in another example of the Small World connections that dance through my life, I told him that I’ve met the DJs once or twice, they’re good friends of my friend Mitch.

There are so many small world connections in my life, you would think I live in a small town, not a metro area with nearly 2 million inhabitants. Yet still, people from different parts of my life all seem to cross paths on the regular.

As our meal drew to a close, the waitress brought us fortune cookies, and TheEngineer chuckled over the lameness of our fortunes, and how they barely worked with the classic addition of “in bed” to the end. I pulled out my wallet to show him a favorite fortune I kept stored there, “Your skills will accomplish what the force of many cannot (in bed).”

TheEngineer chuckled and pulled a fortune from his own wallet and showed it to me. It was, in fact, the EXACT same fortune!

Great minds think alike, I suppose. I thought it super cool that not only had we (at some point in the past) received the same fortune, but we both liked it enough to keep it in our wallet.

Small, small world!

-Vixen

TheLibrarian: Dates 3-5

2009-11-03T21:22:55Z

When last I wrote, I’d just had my second date with TheLibrarian, which went much better than expected. While he was shy enough on our first date to be unsure if even a hug goodnight was OK, on our second date… well, once we were past the “first kiss” hurdle, all bets were off, and we had chemistry in spades, spending hours making out. I was impressed not only by our chemistry and his surprisingly passionate nature, but by the fact that despite the fact that we were alone on the couch making out for several hours in VERY hot and bothered fashion, he never once tried to “push the boundaries” and move our makeout session past just making out. That wins him major brownie points with me, and I was very much looking for our next date (which, I anticipated, would likely be the “bow-chicka-bow” date.

And oh, it was, it was.

I’ve been too busy to write in the week and a half since then, but I’ve seen TheLibrarian three times in that time. On our third date, he cooked me dinner, which was lovely. Afterwards, as we retired to the couch to relax post-meal, our lips found one another (ohhhh such a good kisser!) and within a few minutes, we found ourselves ‘outgrowing’ the comfort zone of the sofa. He suggested that he had more comfortable surfaces we could move to, and I said that sounded great to me. As he led me up to his bedroom, he assured me that he was making no assumptions, and we could stay completely clothed that evening if I wanted.

I responded “Now where would the fun be in that?”

We didn’t come up for air for several hours. He’s about the definition of “it’s the quiet ones you’ve got to look out for.” While the quiet gentle librarian to the rest of the world… in the bedroom he is passionate, assertive, sensual, exploratory, and seems to have boundless energy. What’s not to like?

I think it was inevitable that we ended up in bed that night. I’ve found that when two people discover a passion for one another at the beginning of a friendship, it’s like nothing else can be accomplished until those passions are explored and exhausted. Watch a movie? Not going to happen when you can’t keep your hands and lips off of one another. Maybe AFTER you’ve exhausted yourselves in bed, you might get to that movie. But until then, the sexual tension hanging in the air between you will distract from all other activities.

So you might think that once those passions were explored, we’d be able to focus on exploring other activities together… but so far, not so much. Now that’s not to say that we’ve just been getting together and boffing like bunnies and nothing else. In between seeing one another, we share several emails (and/or online chats) a day, sending funny news links, and sharing music that we like and think the other would get a kick out of – whether it’s because of the musical style, the comical nature of it, or the lyrics. After our first time having sex, he sent me Wilson Pickett’s “Man and a Half”, and said that having sex with me makes him feel like Pickett’s character, a man who’s so great in bed that he’s as good as a man and a half. We’ve spent much time talking on the phone and getting to know one another better, and have certainly spent more time having in-depth conversations over satisfied post-sex glows than we would have had we been curled up with a movie.

My next date with TheLibrarian was just lovely. I cooked him dinner, creating a new culinary exploration for him. As I discussed our plans with him the night before, I asked if there were any foods I should avoid cooking (dislikes, allergies, etc). He said no, but admitted that until recently he’d not eaten meat in about 15 years. I asked how recently, and he said sheepishly that the bite of my steak I gave him on our first date was the first taste of meat he’d had since his early 20s. Wow, ok, wasn’t expecting that! Feeling perhaps that I’d pushed him in a direction he didn’t want to go, I said I’d be happy to cook a vegetarian meal for him. He said no, that his foray into meat with me was a good one, and he was now wanting to further explore meat again.

I grinned and said “Oh, great, I get to be your meaty corrupter!!!”

But now I felt that the pressure was on. He’d not eaten meat in 15 years… and I had to come up with a great meat dish to properly re-introduce him. After considering several options, I decided to go for an old favorite… a recipe my mother used to make growing up (although admittedly mine is way better than hers), I cooked him beef stroganoff. Needless to say, he thoroughly enjoyed his foray into my world of meaty goodness.

After dinner, we decided to go outside and sit by the fire. We sat there talking for quite a while, and eventually, he leaned over to kiss me. As we were sitting in chairs a couple of feet away from one another, kissing involved a fair amount of leaning and meeting in between. After a short while, I suggested that either he needed to come ‘over here’ or I needed to move ‘over there’. He asked quizzically if we’d both fit.

I assured him we would, and then pushed him back in his chair and straddled his lap facing him, and we began making out.

We didn’t leave our spot by the fire for a couple of hours. To say he got me hot and bothered would be an understatement. We stayed there making out for about an hour before any clothes came off. But in that hour, he made me come dozens of times. He even discovered a completely new erogenous zone. I’m 35, a wildly sexual woman, and I thought every one of my body’s erogenous zones had been discovered and well explored by this point in my life.

I was wrong.

We were kissing, and he began lightly running his fingers up and down the small of my back just on either side of center, and holy wow did it drive me up the wall. I later told him that had he continued what he was doing, he would have made me come. So last night he decided to re-explore that area… and sure enough, got me off several times just gently rubbing my lower back. I know how incredibly sexually responsive my body is, yet still, I was surprised. I said “You’re going to use your powers for evil, not good, aren’t you?” and he laughed a sexily evil laugh. “I’m going to be minding my own business out in public with you, shopping in a store or something, and you’re going to come up behind me and start rubbing my lower back and whispering in my ear and turn me into a quivering pile of mush right there, aren’t you?

There was that evil smile again. “Yes, yes I am.” He replied.

“Good, good. “ I grinned back.

But… back to the fire and our fourth date. As I said, to say he got me hot and bothered would be an understatement. About 15 minutes into our fireside tryst, I clued him into the fact that I happened to have a condom in my pocket (and a strong desire to put it to good use).

Unlike me, he was in no hurry. He was thoroughly enjoying the power and control he had over me, the ease with which he could make me moan and writhe and come without taking off one stitch of clothing. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Eventually, though, we did get there, and it was fantastically awesome, incredibly hot fireside sex.

Eventually, we finished outside, and, exhausted, made our way back indoors. I asked if he’d like to sit down in the living room or go up to the bedroom, and he said he wanted to lay down. I assumed he was just exhausted from our athletic and acrobatic fireside chat, and wanted to lay down to rest a bit.

Again, not so much.

The moment we lay down on the bed, he was on me, passions renewed, and we spent another couple of hours in the throes of passion. Delicious! Eventually, we fell into blissful slumber. When he awoke early in the morning, his passions were renewed yet again, and we spent a good hour going at it in bed and in the shower before he eventually let me go start my busy day – not that I’m complaining, I adore morning sex – what better way to wake up and start your day is there than that?

The next day, he sent me a copy of Dusty Springfield’s song “Just a little lovin’,” which is all about the fact that there’s nothing better (and no better way to start the day) than a little lovin’ in the morning. He said “I think this song was written just for you!”

So, that brings us to date number 5, last night. He came over and took me out to dinner (another foray into meaty goodness). I opened the door and said hello. He said hello as he stepped inside and I shut the door, and then he immediately took my face in his hands and laid a passionate kiss on me that left me weak-kneed and breathless.

“Well hello to you too!” I said. He laughed, and I said “Now that’s the kind of greeting a girl can get used to!”

We went out to eat, and afterwards, I thought we might actually get around to watching the movie we’d been discussing that evening. I figured at some point (before or after said movie), we’d have some delicious sex, too, but…

…again, not so much. With the movie, that is.

When we got back to the house after dinner, I walked in the door, put down my purse, and walked back across the room to where he was standing. He kissed me, and then…

…well, surely you don’t need psychic powers to figure out what happened next.

We later figured that with snuggle-and-chat breaks factored in, we spent 5 of the next 6 hours in one form of passionate embrace or another. It was hot, hot, HOT, and at one point, I exclaimed “We seem to be getting better and better at this!” He concurred.

The hour was quite late, and I had to be up quite early to catch a plane for a business trip (which is where I’m writing this entry), and so we turned out the lights and snuggled up to go to sleep. Yet still, despite several hot bouts of sex and several orgasms on his part, he was up and ready to go again – but we agreed that we’d be up all night at this rate, and I sadly let a good hardon go to waste and went to sleep.

But it was a Dusty Springfield kind of morning… and a great way to start my day and head out on my business trip.

So, needless to say, things are going swimmingly with TheLibrarian. Who knows where they’ll go in the future, but I’m certainly enjoying where they’re at right now!

-Vixen

Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile of the Week

2009-11-03T21:06:42Z

This week's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile comes to us from FreeVanilla. This guy seems to have real issues with capitalization (not to mention spelling and grammar).

This is his profile:

Journeys

.movies,travel anywere,sports,classic rock ,to retirer young and have fun untill i'm old i'm easy going type person who love's going to classic rock concerts and football games,traveling to the Beach and the Mountains and some Beautiful woman who Love's To Have Fun And A Good Time With The One They Really Want To Be WITH And No GAMES OR DRAMA!!!!!*****.

go out for pizza and a movie or play some pool go swimming or if you want to get romantic a candelit dinner for two with soft music in the back ground and some slow dancing with hot,hot,hott passion and romanace in the air OR What Ever The Lady I'm With Wants To Do So Lets Just Have Some Fun And Have A Great Time To Remamber As Years Gose By With A Real Nice Smile And A Sparkle In Our Eyes.

Not too egregious, right? But read the email he sent me, and I dare you, I DARE YOU to see if you can make it all the way through his message without your eyes bleeding.

HI YOU LOOK AWESOME I LOVE YOUR HAIR AND EYES AND THAT SMILE WOW YOUR BREATH TAKENLY BEAUTIFUL WOW MMM MMM YOUR SOMETHING ELES DID YOU BY ANY CHANCE JUST STELP OUT OFF A CLOUD CAUSE I THANK GOD'S MISSING ONE OF HIS ANGELS MMM WELL MY NAME IS DOUG HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY THANK WE COULD TALK SOMETIME AND MEET FOR COFFEE AND LUNCH OR DINNER AND SEE IF WE CLICK AND REALLY HIT IT OFF AND IF SO MAYBE WE COULD TALK ABOUT GOING OUT AND DOING SOMETHING TOGETHER AND HAVEN EVEN SOME MORE FUN AFTER WE EAT AND IF THANGS GOES REALLY GREAT WE COULD CALL THAT OUR FIRST DATE AND PLAN OUR 2 AND TALK ABOUT A 3 ONE TO IF WE REALLY HAVE SOME FUN TOGETHER AS YOU CAN TELL I'M NOT LOOKING FOR ONE NIGHTERS I'M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING MORE SOMETHING THAT CAN GROW INTO SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL AND FIND THAT SOMEONE THAT TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY AND YES I'M A HOPELESS ROMANTIC I LOVE CANDELITE DINNERS FOR TWO SLOW DANCING WITH SOFT MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACK GROUND WITH THE PASSION CARRIEING US AWAY LOST IN SWEET HOTTT ROMANANCE WITH A NICE BOTTLE OR TWO OF WINE MMM MMM THAT WOULD BE NICE WHAT DO YOU THANK AND ON THE OTHER HAND A FEW BEERS NICE GAME OF POOL OR 2 MAYBE 3 CAN BE FUN TOO OR GOING TO A GREAT ROCK SHOW LIKE FOREIGNER THAT CAN BE NICE TO OR A GET AWAY WEEKEND TO THE BEACH OR MOUNTAINS A NICE FUN ROMANTIC ONE MMM THEY ALL SOUND GOOD WHAT DO YOU THANK AND THERES ALL WAYS SO MUCH MORE TO DO TO LIFE FULL OF FUN THANGS TO DO YOU JUST GOT TO GET OUT AND DO THEM AND HAVE AS MUCH FUN AS POSSABLE LIFE MOVES TO FAST TO SET STILL LONG IF YOU DO IT TO LONG YOU CAN WAKE UP ONE DAY AND FIND YOUR TO OLD TO DO ANYTHING SO WHY WAIT LETS GET TOGETHER SOMETIME AND HAVE SOME FUN WHAT DO YOU THANK SO JUST E-MAIL ME AND LET ME KNOW IF WE COULD GET TOGETHER SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE AND HAVE SOME FUN GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER I HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON I PROMISS MY NEXT E-MAIL WILL BE ALOT SHORTER IF YOU E-MAIL ME BACK SORRY I DO LIKE TO TALK AS YOU CAN TELL I'M VERY OPEN MINDED AND LAID BACK TYPE OF PERSON TOO HOPE YOU HAVE FUN SEE YA DOUG.

Oy. Needless to say, this gentleman did not get a favorable reply.

-Vixen

Small world sadness

2009-10-09T16:10:09Z

My latest small world connection is of the sad variety. An old friend from high school IM'd me on Facebook the other day. He's someone I was never particularly close to, but he's a frequent (and entertaining) Facebook poster, and we've gotten in the habit of commenting on one anothers' posts frequently. He said he was feeling kind of down, and I asked why.

He said "Oh, I guess you haven't heard..."

"Heard what?" I responded

"Steve Markham died." he said, and sent me a link to a news story in our hometown paper. The name was one I hadn't thought of since high school. It didn't immediately ring bells.

Then another name came into my head, as if of its own accord, and I found myself typing "Is that Sarah Markham's brother?" - there was another name I'd not thought of in high school. It was, in fact, Sarah's brother, and puzzle pieces started falling into place in my head. Sarah was in my class in high school, and her brother was 2 years older than us. They were both in the popular preppie crowd, genuinely nice folks who everybody liked. We ran in different social circles, so I didn't know either of them very well, but didn't think anything ill of them either.

I read the news piece Dave had sent me. It was rather sad. Apparently Steve threw himself off the top of a 6 story building in a public gathering area downtown. It took officials several days to identify the body. We talked a bit about the sadness of the story, and I asked Dave to relay my condolences to Sarah when he talked to her.

An hour later, I got a phone call from Kara. She'd left me a message earlier in the day that amounted to "OMG something huge happened call me call me call me!" but I'd not returned her call yet. When I answered her call, she said "Oh my god, something terrible happened... do you remember that guy I went out with a few months ago on that really bizarre Internet date? He threw himself off a 6 story building downtown."

"Waitaminute," I said. "Was his name Steve Markham??"

She stopped dead in her tracks. "How did you know that?"

So, I was right. I remembered distinctly the date to which she referred. She met him on FreeVanilla, and went out on a date filled a littany of bizzarre and inappropriate behavior, one thing after another that left her scratching her head. He had confessed to her that he was bipolar, and she suspected that he had gone off his meds, which would explain his bizarre behavior. She wanted to like him, she really did, and endured more first-date-weirdness than most people would before the date finally ended with him jumping out of the car a few blocks from his home when she was dropping him off.

Obviously, she didn't go out with him again. But now she was feeling somewhat freaked out and like in some way she was partially responsible, like she should have been the lifeline that pulled this mentally disturbed man back from the edge. Clearly, that was not her responsibility, having gone out on only one date with him, but it is sad, nonetheless, that there was no one present in his life to be that force to pull him back from the edge (and back onto his meds).

Whether he threw himself off that building in a bipolar downswing of despair, or was on such a manic upswing that he threw himself off that building thinking he could fly, we'll never know.

But the small world connections in my life just keep on coming.

-Vixen

Small world and good decisions

2009-10-09T14:48:33Z

The other day, I was sitting in a nail salon getting a manicure, when my phone rang. I looked down to see it was Craig. Now, he and I still keep in touch fairly regularly, but it's mostly online (or in person) - getting a phone call from him was unusual, so despite my occupied state, I answered. He told me he had a bit of juicy gossip for me. He was flipping through the local news online, and came across a surprising story that he just had to share with me...

Remember Frank, the little Asian guy who I encountered on SexSite but ultimately rejected prior to meeting, the little Asian guy who also was on Craig's kickboxing team?

Well Frank and his brother were arrested for a credit card skimming scam - as in they'd installed a device to steal peoples' credit card numbers when they swiped their cards at gas pumps.

Wow, well, OK then. Craig said it looked like I'd made a reeeeeally wise decision when I decided not to meet lil' ol' Frank.

I concur.

-Vixen

It's the quiet ones you've got to look out for...

2009-10-05T17:28:42Z

I had my second date with TheLibrarian Saturday night – it didn’t go at all as anticipated…

On our first date, which, as it turns out, was his first since splitting with his wife, he was (particularly at the end of the date) a bit on the shy and nervous side, unsure if it was even ok to hug me goodbye. I wasn’t sure yet whether this was due to the “hasn’t dated in 11 years” factor, or if he is just generally a timid guy when it came to matters of intimacy. Having had no physical interaction with him on our first date besides that hug goodbye, I had no inkling about whether we’d have any physical chemistry to augment the good interpersonal chemistry that was building between us, but experience has taught me not to get my hopes up, so my expectations were low for date #2.

In the week and a half between our first and second dates, we had the opportunity for several long online chats, during which the subject of kink came up in a roundabout fashion. As it turns out, we happen to share an interest in the same kinks, which is a Very Good Thing, and he was intrigued, not dismayed, to learn of my unconventional past when it comes to sex and relationships, which is an Even Better Thing. He had interest in the same kinks as me, but hasn’t had the opportunity to experiment much with them due to lack of an interested partner.

I was glad to hear, though, that despite lack of experience, his interest was strong enough that he’d actively endeavored to learn more (for example, recently going to an informational seminar on spanking at a local BDSM club). I was encouraged to hear he had enough interest to actively seek to become informed on his own, but was not convinced he’d work up the nerve to really put the moves on me, because he’d seemed so, well, lacking in confidence and assertiveness on our first date. BUT, I’ve also found, in my time, that it’s often the guys who seem the most quiet and unassuming in public are the most passionate and wild in private. And those are the guys who tend to appeal to me most.

He and I got to discussing this very topic:

Vixen: I tend to go for the guys who're Mr. Polite Gentleman in public and passionate, assertive, dominant types in private (something tells me that you'd fall into that category, no?)

TheLibrarian: Yeah, maybe so.

Vixen: Goodie ;)
Vixen: Let me ask you something... has the following ever been said in reference to you? "It's the quiet ones you've got to look out for."

TheLibrarian: Yes. But were they joking? I dunno.

Vixen: hahahaha
Vixen: People used to say that to my ex-boyfriend (who was a polite but outgoing gentlemanly type in public, and as I described above in private) when they'd find out about his wild private side... he would question it with exasperation, saying " I don't get it, I'm not quiet, I'm outgoing and talkative!" What he didn't seem to understand is that people never expect the wild side to Mr. Gentleman. But I find those guys are the best kind. The guys who're all bravado and machismo and are Mr. "I'm Dom All The Time That's Just Who I Am And You Should Worship Me" just repel me.

TheLibrarian: That's amusing. I don't have any experience bedding super macho guys, so I wouldn't know . but, somehow machismo often seems a bit opposed to intellect...it's kind of a crude form of masculinity, and to me intellect is kind of key to keeping things hot. It's like music to me...machismo seems like the metal guitarist who just stays up around the 15the fret squealing all the way through the solo.
TheLibrarian: But of course, I am here simply making the case for skinny cerebral nerds. There is more than a little self interest in that comment.

Vixen: I'm totally with you, though - intellect is key - the right mental connection during sex (and during BDSM) can augment it exponentially.

I liked his analogies (and the fact that he thinks intellect is the key to keeping things hot – I couldn’t agree more). That exchange definitely left me encouraged about our possibilities… but I was still wondering if he’d be able to work up the nerve to make a move on me on date #2 beyond a chaste goodnight kiss.

So, date night arrived, and the plan was to meet for Japanese food, and then go see a movie. Well, dinner took longer than anticipated, and by the time we were done, I realize the movie we intended to see had started 15 minutes ago. The next movie wasn’t starting for 2 hours, so we weighed our alternatives. I was feeling a little guilty for us missing the movie we’d been talking up for a week (because the person responsible for not leaving us enough time between dinner and movie was me), so I wanted to find an appealing alternative way for us to spend the rest of the evening.

I couldn’t really think of an appealing activity nearby on the spot other than spending time at my place. I hadn’t expected to have him over, so I wasn’t exactly prepared for company, but I suggested that we go to my place and chat by the fire pit in my back yard, and perhaps watch a movie we’d been discussing earlier over dinner.

I’m sure you’re not surprised that he thought that was a splendid idea. We’d been sitting by the fire for quite a while sharing stories when he admitted he was getting chilly in the night air. I asked flirtatiously if there was anything I could do to help with that, and it stopped him in his tracks. He was at a loss for words for a few moments, I could see the wheels turning in his head as he desperately searched for the correct answer to that question.

Finally reaching a conclusion, he suggested we move our conversation inside to the living room. We sat down on the couch and I pulled a blanket over us to warm him up, and as I leaned back, he put his arm around my shoulders so that I nestled right into him, our first contact all night since our hug hello. We began talking again, and in a few moments, as I turned my face to his, our eyes met , the conversation trailed off, and he took the opportunity to kiss me.

And oh my, did the sparks fly. Tentative only for a moment, the kiss quickly turned passionate, as he held me tight and kissed me until I was breathless, head spinning. Once he kissed me, there was no timidness, no lack of confidence, his hands firm, his touch skilled and deliberate. When he pulled away to gaze at me a few moments later, I smiled and murmured “Yep, it’s the quiet ones you’ve got to look out for.” He chuckled and kissed me again.

We spent the next several hours there on the couch, alternating between making out passionately for a few minutes at a time and watching movies and snuggling for a few minutes at a time. And in all that time, he was passionate, he was sensual, he got us both incredibly hot and bothered, but he was also a total gentleman.

Despite the fact that he had me home alone and in a, shall we say, judgment-clouded-by-hormones kind of state, he never once tried to move our makeout session past just making out. He never once tried to take my clothes off, he never once tried to (literally or figuratively) get in my panties.

He didn’t need to. I was a pool of butter in his hands just from all the above the shoulders action. To say he’s capable of getting me hot and bothered with a kiss is an understatement.

Sparks flew, and then some.

There was only one problem. Despite shaving just before our date, his stubble was like sandpaper on my ridiculously sensitive skin, and after several hours of enjoying his fantastic kisses, my lips were screaming out for mercy, literally in pain as we kissed. Yet still, I could not stop kissing him. Eventually, I decided I needed to send him home. It took a while for us to actually make it to him getting out the door, though.

Once we’d stood up and he’d put his shoes on to go, we stood there making out for a comically long time. He’d start to move towards the door, we’d pause for a kiss, and it would turn into a passionate one, and he’d take off his glasses so they wouldn’t get in the way. We’d get lost in a kiss for a long time, and then we’d break off and try to say goodnight. He’d put his glasses back on, but before he’d be able to make it to the door, somehow the glasses would come off again, and we’d be locked tightly in a passionate embrace.

This was SO not how I expected our evening to go.

I was thinking dinner, movie, MAYBE a little smooching somewhere along the way, and a kiss goodnight. I think we were both quite pleasantly surprised by how our evening turned out and how fantastic our chemistry turned out to be. I was impressed by his style and his self restraint.

After he finally left around 1am, I was on my computer online when he got home and got online himself. He IMed me, and we started talking… and we ended up staying up talking to one another and flirting and exchanging superlatives about the awesomeness of our evening until 5am! Despite the fact that we ended up staying up together all night, we agreed that it was probably a good idea that I sent him home when I did:

Vixen: here we are still together at 4am... but it's probably good that I sent you home, I couldn't keep my poor sore lips off of you

TheLibrarian: Hehehe.
TheLibrarian: Yep. Tonight really was perfect.

Vixen: Good, I'm glad

TheLibrarian: Sending me home = good call
TheLibrarian: It's like music. Timing. rests. etc.

Vixen: mmhmm
Vixen: Agreed
Vixen: I don't think we'd have come to a stopping point on our own
Vixen: at least not one that didn't have us both naked and passed out

TheLibrarian: hehe. Um, I would not have come to a stopping point, you are correct. I believe certain glands seemed to have their own agenda tonight. But glands can be made happy anytime.
TheLibrarian: A good date cannot be made anytime.

Awwwwww. I’m glad that his idea of a good date included stopping at making out and not trying to bed me. I’m glad that he showed me how passionate and sexy he is without ever trying to push the boundaries past making out like teenagers. I’m glad that my assessment of him as Mr. Gentleman in public and Passionate Wildman in private was correct.

And I’m very much looking forward to seeing him again on Wednesday!

After I got up on Sunday, I sent TheLibrarian an email:

Apparently when I wake up has little to do with when I go to sleep. Friday night, I went to bed at 11pm, woke up at 10:16am. Last night, I didn't go to bed till 5am. What time was it when I woke up and looked at the clock this morning, knowing I was too awake to go back to sleep? 10:16am exactly. WTH?

Well, regardless, I had lovely dreams and awoke feeling refreshed after only 5 hours. See what you do to me? I should spend hours making out with you more often. Apparently it results in needing very little sleep.

-Vixen

His response on Monday made me smile all mushy-like:

Yes, this is a little-known secret, that every hour spent making out with TheLibrarian reduces the length of sleep required for refreshment by 22.7 minutes. The university is doing a study right now on why this is so. I think you should volunteer.

Lovely time. It was....dayum, Vixen. Just dayum. Lovely.

Looking forward to Wednesday. :)

-TheLibrarian

OK, so now I’m really looking forward to seeing him Wednesday. Squee!

-Vixen

No internal filter

2009-09-25T15:42:06Z

Sometimes it amazes me, the sorts of offensive crap men will spout in their introductory emails. They'd never dream of saying these things to a woman they met, for example, in a bar, yet somehow they lose all common sense (and all semblance of internal filters) when they use these lines to contact a woman online.

Case in point, today's message from a genius on FreeVanilla:

Love your hair........and those eyes.......lips.......tongue......and last but not least......those gorgeous white breastssssss. Lets play!!

My reply:

No.

Not a chance.

You wouldn't walk up to a woman in a bar and say something like that, would you? You'd probably get slapped.

It doesn't work any better here.

You're offensive, and you'll never get a chance at these "gorgeous white breastssssss." So go away now, and don't come back.

-Vixen

TheLibrarian

2009-09-23T20:48:39Z

My latest dating candidate is, as you might have guessed already, a librarian. He works at the library of a local community college, and knows a lot about a lot of things - which I dig. Geeky cute smart guys turn me on! We have a lot of common ground, which is good, but there are a couple of things that are potential cause for concern. First of all, he's very recently separated from his wife - as in his wife just moved out a month and a half ago (after a long period of looking for a place). On the subject of the cause of the split, TheLibrarian said this: "Well it all boils down to this. She is really, really into parrots. I'm not." The other concern is that he's on medication for depression. One of my oft-repeated relationship patterns which I am not eager to repeat is getting involved with men who suffer from depression. In fact, ever since Jerkson, psychiatric problems are generally an immediate disqualifying factor for me. BUT... I'm going to give TheLibrarian a chance and get to know him a bit better before judging on this one, because... my trouble with depressed men in the past has been that I have ended up involved over and over with men who struggle with depression, but are resistant to seeking treatment and/or medication for their chemical imbalance. Being involved with someone who chronically can't deal with his own shit is miserable.

However, in TheLibrarian's case, it seems far more likely that this was a situational depression caused by the miserable downslide of his marriage, and he got treated, got it under control, and got divorced. He said with meds and exercise, he does just fine. "Not living with parrots is helping a lot too."

So... I'm going to see how it goes.

We had a very pleasant first date, nice dinner and conversation. After it was over, he walked me back to my car, and when our conversation came to the "end of date" point, he fumbled a bit, and then broke the tension by admitting that he was having an awkward moment because he'd not really done the dating thing in 11 years, and wasn't quite sure what to do. I offered him a hug (because I worried that offering him a kiss might make him overly nervous), we hugged, and went our separate ways. We've talked online several times since then, and this afternoon, I got a phone call from his pants.

Yes, from his pants.

We'd been chatting for a while and he stepped away from his desk at work for a time. His computer was idle, and when I saw my phone ringing from his number, I thought it odd, but answered cheerfully. I could hear him moving around, but he was not responding. Thinking I might capture his attention, I started calling loud hellos into the phone. I could still hear him moving around and the occasional rustle of fabric against the phone's microphone, but he couldn't hear me. I was curious to see how long this would go on, and as it turns out, his pants hung up on me after a full minute had passed.

A few minutes later, he looked at his phone and realized what had happened. He IM'd me to apologize. He had been shelving books in the stacks of the library, and could, in fact, faintly hear my voice calling out to him from his pants like a ghost hiding in amongst the books. He said that he had paused, trying to figure out what he was hearing, and chalked it up to a nearby student on a cell phone before moving on. When he got back to his desk, he looked at his phone and saw the call. He chuckled that he rarely uses his cell phone - that mine was the last number dialed - 3 days ago.

We've not yet made plans to get together again, but I'm fairly sure that's coming. I'm in no hurry to see him again... which perhaps should be a sign that ultimately this isn't going to go anywhere, or perhaps it is a sign that I'm jaded. Regardless, we've not even kissed yet. We'll see where, if anywhere, it goes from here.

-Vixen

Far and young

2009-09-22T18:09:36Z

I just got this charming email on FreeVanilla:

Hey, I know I'm much too far away from you so that I probably won't even get a reply, and probably too young too, which is sad. I just wanted to let you know that you look absolutely awesome, I really love your hair and everything in your pics. I'm almost speechless :)

Kisses and all the best for you

Aww, well wasn't that nice? I couldn't tell from the email what he looks like or where he is, so I clicked on his profile hoping he's not so far or young...

...but Whoa.

Far and young is an understatement.

He is in Germany. And he's 18 - that is, if you believe his profile, because he damned sure looks more like 14. He's a very slender (and tall, if you believe the 6'3" on his profile) and pretty blond-haired boy... the first thing that came to mind when looking at his photos was "twink" (the term used in the gay community to refer to young slender prettyboys). The second thing that came to mind was that he looks like a long lost member of Hanson. Or like he aught to be hanging out with other young and emaciated boys in a calvin klein ad.

He's pretty, and I'm flattered, but even if he were local (and of verifiably legal age), I wouldn't be going there.

-Vixen

Not a chance

2009-09-20T07:30:51Z

You know, even the most submissive of women don't generally want a guy to approach them for the first time by asserting the male's dominance and the female's worthlessness. I doubt BDSM's ever been more than a fantasy for this guy from SexSite:

His email:
I will send a face pick when ready slave, u do not bark orders to anyone...u need to be taught your place....i think that u have not been trained properly and need a good flogging to get your mind right maybe a little humiliation is in order and also alot of nipple torture to remind u of who is in charge of your pussy, ass, tits, and your mind.

My reply:
Hahahahaha that was funny.

No, not with you, now way, no how, not a chance, not going to happen.

-Vixen

Words matter

2009-09-17T16:25:40Z

Today’s winner contacted me via SexSite. He seemed to be a thoughtful and somewhat interesting chap with varied experiences and similar interests. He expressed an interest in finding a partner with whom he could explore tantra (a spiritual sexual practice of Eastern origin that involves multi-hour sessions with repeated and/or extended orgasms for both parties). I have some interest in tantra myself, so despite the fact that he says on his profile that he’s more or less “passing through” this area and will likely only be here a few more months, I thought at least talk to him and see if he might be worth meeting. As I’ve mentioned before, my sex life has had a bit of a dry spell lately, so the thought of taking on a new playmate for a few months with whom to explore tantra sounds like it could be very enjoyable for a time.

So, I decided to talk with him. But our first conversation didn’t go so well, in my opinion. Read it for yourself to see why. My comments, as always, are in italics.

Vixen: how are you?

iwanttantra: so whats up with your fine self? I am as always doing very well

Vixen: I just got in from dinner

In fact, I’d just gotten in from dinner with the creepy stalker guy.

iwanttantra: wow it is 8 already

Vixen: yes it is

iwanttantra: been doing some writing on a few things and have totally lost track of time

Vixen: I need to get some writing done this evening myself.

…in my journal, about the creepy stalker guy.

iwanttantra: well so do you have bit to tell me of yourself? or do you need to put it off a bit

Vixen: what would you like to know?

iwanttantra: well more wanting to know your mentality, did look at you on OtherBDSMSite

Vixen: I only visited OtherBDSMSite once or twice, put up a profile, but haven't really been back

iwanttantra: well forget that anyways I am more interested in learning more the intelligence level as well due to tantra there has to be a mental connectivity as well
iwanttantra: you cannot match a Phd to a HS dropout

Vixen: Are you a HS dropout?
Vixen: Cuz I am, in fact, a PhD
Vixen: :)

iwanttantra: are you kidding? I hold a masters in remote sensing

Vixen: "remote sensing"? What's that?
Vixen: And no, I'm not kidding, I have a BA in sociology, a masters in human behavior, and a PhD in psychology.

These are not the fields in which my degrees actually are. I changed the references to my fields of study in this conversation to protect my anonymity.

iwanttantra: it is satellite imagery as well as a BS civ eng
iwanttantra: maybe you should review my profile there on SexSite

OK, so you’re scolding me for missing something? Did you talk about remote sensing in your profile?

Vixen: one moment

I took the time to re-read his entire extended profile. There was nothing in there relevant to the conversation.

Vixen: OK, I re-read your profile... was there something in particular you wanted me to see or reason you asked me to re-read it?

iwanttantra: well undoubtably if you were asking me if I was a HS drop out then you were not sure who I was

*sigh* clearly he didn’t get my point or my humor. His profile does, in fact, mention that he’s got a masters degree. And my profile does, in fact, mention that I have a doctorate. He said you can’t match a PhD with a high school dropout, obviously implying he needed to vet me to make sure I was smart enough for him, and not a high school drop out. Clearly he’d not actually read MY profile. Considering that I am confident I will more than meet his intellectual standards and considering that I do, in fact, have a PhD, I thought I’d turn his quip around on him. He didn’t get the joke.

Vixen: No, I was being a smartass. You said you can't put a high school dropout with a PhD, and since I'm a PhD, I asked if you were a high school dropout (as in otherwise, we don't have a problem).
Vixen: :)

iwanttantra: ahhh
iwanttantra: oh so facetiousness is one of your styles

Vixen: You're a little slow for a guy with a masters in remote sensing. Couldn't you sense what I was getting at?
Vixen: yes, facetiousness is one of my styles. Perhaps that's getting lost in the text-only medium

iwanttantra: well it does happen at times
iwanttantra: I am a so surprised about how people confuse literal vs phusical.
iwanttantra: so what field are you a doc in?

Thanks for paying attention, guy. Did you completely miss above where I told you the fields in which I have degrees?

iwanttantra: if you say biology I will be in lust, if you say legos I will be sort of put out

Vixen: Apparently you're not paying very close attention, darlin', because I already told you that.
Vixen: (my dad had a PhD in biology, what does that do for my lust factor?)

iwanttantra: ok social behaviors ok sorry I missed that one
iwanttantra: since I keep the box here minimal I guess I was saying something at the time and missed it

Vixen: Um, no.
Vixen: I didn't say social behaviors

iwanttantra: oops human behavior

Vixen: Well, no, that's my masters, not my doctorate.

iwanttantra: a lot of blood in pipettes

Vixen: Um, no, not at all.

Jesus, this guy’s an idiot! I told him VERY clearly what my degrees were in, and he can’t even read or copy and paste!

iwanttantra: ok so keep whacking my cranium

Vixen: I have a PhD in psychology. My research is not clinical, it is more behavior related.

iwanttantra: you are not orig from NC then

Vixen: I have many balls in the air research-wise

iwanttantra: well I only have two balls and being back here is a real downer

iwanttantra: well so as a human behaviorist
iwanttantra: what interests you about tantra?

iwanttantra: since you probably also took anatomy and physiology

Vixen: No.

Why would I take anatomy and physiology for a psychology degree??

iwanttantra: well that is amazing to me
iwanttantra: well for me phys and anat was part of my bio cirriculum
iwanttantra: have a minor

Vixen: Re: your question about my interest in tantra, I've long been someone who takes on sex as an art form, and have experimented with much that is along the lines of tantra without ever specifically setting out to "practice tantra" in a methodical fashion - but I'm interested in exploring it. Multi-hour long sessions involving many many many mannnny orgasms (some of the several-minute long variety) are nothing new to me.

iwanttantra: that and in german
iwanttantra: well it is eventually setting the partner into a chain reaction and overwhelming the endorphin / adrenaline repro causimg a narcotic state where the system is basically out of control in the end
iwanttantra: like a reaction like vinegar to baking soda

Vixen: Yeah, been there, done that

iwanttantra: well yes the experiment

No, you idiot, I’m not saying “been there, done that” to putting vinegar and baking soda together, I’m talking about the sexual experience to which you refer. I’m no noob here, man – give me a little credit.

iwanttantra: but also the narcotic state yes

Vixen: Not the experiment, the sexual experience you described.

iwanttantra: yes of course
iwanttantra: where I was climaxing over and over

Now he thinks I’m talking about him!

Vixen: I understand. I wasn't asking if you'd done that, I was saying that I have done that.

iwanttantra: as well as the partner running all over and worried that she would have a seizure

Vixen: We seem to be having trouble communicating here

iwanttantra: sorry of course so you have experienced a total loss of control with your body before?

Maybe I’m being hypersensitive, but he seems to be being condescending here… oh of COURSE you’ve done that before, uh huh, right – so, really, have you experienced a total loss of control with your body like I can give you? No, oh, I didn’t think so…

Vixen: Yes.

I could almost see his eyes pop open wide. He wasn’t expecting that.

iwanttantra: wow how did you do it?
iwanttantra: what was the setting

Vixen: You're asking that like I've only done it once.

Now who’s the noob? I’ve been getting the impression that his experience with tantra is primarily reading about it online and wishing he could find someone to do it with him, and he’s not yet achieved the heights of all it claims to offer. He wants to know how I did it like it was one unusual mind blowing event, never to be recreated. I’ve done it (it being multi-hour sex sessions, cascading orgasms involving total loss of body control) far more times (and in far more ways) than I can count. And I’m not going to titillate him with the details.

iwanttantra: well still have that partner?

I could see the guy-ego puffing up all the way from here. “Well, OK, maybe some other guy gave you fabulous orgasms before, but, well, do you still have him now, do you, DO YOU? I didn’t think so. You’ve got to look to ME to get truly satisfied.” He’s acting as if I’ve only been able to achieve that level of awesome sex with one partner. That is simply not the case.

Vixen: partner(s) - I've done that with more than one partner. But no, I don't currently have someone in my life with whom to delve into that
Vixen: I've basically been practicing tantra for years without ever setting out specifically to follow the 'guidelines' of tantra (more along the lines of have done some reading here and there and gone "oh yeah, that's a lot like XYZ set of experiences")
iwanttantra: that was me in my 20's to early 30's before I found the actual hind version and read it
iwanttantra: hindu not Hind

Vixen: ok...

The actual Hindu version, eh? Like the original text, huh? If that were the case he’d know the language is referred to as Hindi (the religion as Hindu), so let’s just ask him about that.

iwanttantra: have you ever read it

No, and neither have you.

Vixen: Do you read hindi?

iwanttantra: no just german, dutch, italian / spanish and a few others

Vixen: So you didn't find the "actual hindu version and read it"... you found an english translation of the hindu version and read it?

iwanttantra: yes of course
iwanttantra: but like many things the interpretation is interesting
iwanttantra: but have also studied eastern medicine

Vixen: ok...

iwanttantra: the main part of tantra is also along the bodies energy fields
iwanttantra: where the eastern world does follow it in accupuncture

Vixen: mmhmm

iwanttantra: the chemical and electrict path ways of the neuro system
iwanttantra: electro

Vixen: ok...

iwanttantra: so it sounds as well that you appreciate the physical reactions that occure to systemic overloading ...tantra

Vixen: Yes

iwanttantra: well there are few and far between that can be both phys and mentally capable

Vixen: Don't I know it

iwanttantra: well for a doc you have a few nice photos

Uhhh, was that supposed to be a compliment? “for a doc”?? And “a few nice photos,” implying the rest are crap? Nice. OK, from here, the conversation goes on for a while in not terribly interesting fashion talking about music, and then picks back up with some more hard to decipher nonsense here:

iwanttantra: yes almost at one time was asst sec of commerce for NH

Almost? So not actually? Doesn’t count then, now does it? Maybe they decided the assistant secretary of commerce had to be able to put together coherent sentences?

Vixen: ummmm good?

iwanttantra: well being single I used to get a lot of dates in the shopping aisles and my life was pretty too open for the press

Huh?

Vixen: um, ok

iwanttantra: well at Portsmouth pop 10k day time and 5600 at night the press is in ones ass

Vixen: That sentence made very little sense.
Vixen: Try again.

Pause. Nothing for a while.

Vixen: It seems you neither read nor write for reading comprehension *grin*

iwanttantra: small capital and and few people so it was that all pols are on the radar
iwanttantra: I guess it is just I assume people follow the gist
iwanttantra: or know things

OK, so now he’s missing the implication that his poor sentence structure is the problem and is insulting my intelligence instead – “Oh, sorry, I thought you’d understand simple concepts like this, I thought you knew things… I just assumed you’d be able to follow along – I guess I was mistaken.” NO, you asshat, the problem isn’t my intelligence or lack of knowing things, it is your inability to put together sentences using full words and proper grammar to result in something decipherable on the first read.

Vixen: I think at the moment it's more a matter of you abbreviating and leaving words out to be brief, and not using complete or grammatically correct sentences – that is what's tripping me up. "well at Portsmouth pop 10k day time and 5600 at night the press is in ones ass" - at first glance that doesn't make much sense. With several re-readings, I'm guessing you meant "Well, when I lived in Portsmouth, the population was 10,00 in the daytime and 5,600 at night, it was a very small town, so the press gets up one's ass a lot, and my private life was fodder for the local media.” Is that what you were trying to say?

iwanttantra: basically
iwanttantra: always looking for the dirt

Vixen: OK, well since we're having trouble communicating using shorthand English, let's aim for full English words and sentences in the hopes of better mutual understanding, what do you say?

Let’s add a little humor… even though he probably won’t get it.

Vixen: Dnt MAKE me strt usng txt shrthnd on u.

iwanttantra: well fire away I still use whole words there too

Yep, didn’t get it. I wasn’t implying that we should start texting… I was implying that if he didn’t start using full words and sentences, I would go to the other extreme (text shorthand) to demonstrate how annoying it is when people can’t be bothered to type out a freaking sentence.

Vixen: My point is, I suppose, that you made a big deal from the start about making sure I was smart enough for you, yet you frequently do not string together particularly coherent sentences, so that's not reflecting too well on whether you are smart enough for me, my dear

iwanttantra: well that is fine
iwanttantra: been out on the ranch too long and only here anyways for a short time maybe up til feb

Not doing great so far… already missing words and unnecessary abbreviations.

Vixen: ok...
Vixen: That's good to know

OK, I’m going to try a different tactic. Let’s get away from this antagonistic talk of his writing style, and engage him in another topic of conversation.

Vixen: So tell me, Do you like to cook? And what's your favorite type of food (to make, or if you don't cook, then to eat)?

iwanttantra: well either going back west or currrently have an offer on a beach hotel (small 50 rooms and a small ranch in uruguay)
iwanttantra: asiago alfredo as well as a stuffed mushroom with real seafood caps

Vixen: Sounds lovely
Vixen: (I love to cook and bake as well)

iwanttantra: well know many fam recipes

Vixen: So if your offer goes through, is the hotel/ranch in uruguay solely an investment, or something you're planning to run yourself?

iwanttantra: oh def run
iwanttantra: see I had to come back because the VA cut my 60k retirement saying I was too healthy now

You’re 42, very physically able (he’s talked of work post military on ranches and spending lots of time in the great outdoors), and you’re making 60k/year on military retirement? Damn, that’s NICE! Most people will never make that much while working, certainly not on retirement! It’s certainly enough that you don’t have to work, but you can, and live the high life. I can certainly understand it if you were able to retire due to an injury, and you’re healthy enough to do all the ranch-handing you’ve done and to run a hotel/ranch in Uruguay, then government is entitled to say “You know, that 60k/year in disability retirement we’re giving you? Yeah, not so much.”

Vixen: Were they paying you 60k/year for your retirement benefits?

iwanttantra: yes
iwanttantra: I was an officer with 11 years active duty

Vixen: That sounds pretty nice to me!

iwanttantra: well was injured

Vixen: I see. Well still, at your age, to be making that much per year and not having to work (but being, as far as I can tell, relatively able bodied) is pretty nice

iwanttantra: my vehicle overturned and me and my crew were injured
iwanttantra: well also was a corp vp for a while

Vixen: mmhmm

iwanttantra: but after corp layoffs
iwanttantra: decided to regress to who I wanted to be
iwanttantra: when I was at Mackwood I was a jr vp earning 120k and bonus
iwanttantra: later started my own firm

Vixen: ok...

And then he just sort of disappeared. All in all, as you might have guessed by now, I am not impressed. Despite my expressing pretty clearly that I was frustrated by our difficulty communicating and his use of incomplete words and sentences, his verbal shorthand, if you will, he kept it up, and didn’t seem able to write coherently. Add to that his condescending superiority-complex-slash-curiosity re: tantra, and I’m really not so interested in pursuing this one any further.

-Vixen

Vaguely creepy

2009-09-15T04:51:17Z

I met today's winner on PayVanilla. He seemed fairly attractive in his photos, and we exchanged some pleasant emails and instant messages, had a 2 hour long phone call, then met for dinner the following evening. Lots of little things added up to... vaguely stalkeresque creepiness that had me cutting him loose after our date right quick.

First of all, while our long phone conversation revealed many common interests and ideologies, it also revealed a few things that were potential red flags. First of all, he has a kid, which is usually a disqualifier for me, since I'm not looking to be a stepparent anytime soon. But she lives 2 hours away, so his time with her is limited, so I didn't disqualify him right away. His BabyMama is ex-wife number 2. They get along great, but that is not the case for estranged wife #3, who he split from in the last few months. So, in case you weren't counting, that's 3 failed marriages.

He was seeing someone else, but they went camping and split after some incident related to her not being able to handle his next red flag, which I'll get to a moment. The camping trip and split happened last weekend. Then there was talk of getting back with some other woman from his past mid-week, but that didn't work, out either, and here a few days later, he was on the phone being mesmerized be me and all my awesome. So not only was he jumping ahead quickly from woman to woman, but he was foolishly TELLING me about it (there's being open and there's using common sense, come on now).

That next red flag I mentioned... he called it a quirk, I call it germaphobic obsessive compulsive disorder. To hear him tell it, he doesn't let his fear of germs stop him from doing things, but he'll never walk on a hotel carpet barefoot, and he'll use hand sanitizer after touching anything communal (like doorhandles or public furniture or peoples' hands). The incident on the camping trip apparently stemmed from him being horrified that she would consider walking around the communal campground shower area barefoot and refused to wear shower shoes.

He's aware of his germophobia, and seemed to have a decent handle on it. I thought... well, it's not a reason to disqualify him out of hand, it's something to keep in mind... if he's just a bit germophobic and uses hand sanitizer a lot, it's no big deal, I can deal with that. But if it's a pathological issue that causes a lot of conflict, well, yeah, not so much.

But all of these red flags were just things to keep an eye out on, not reasons to avoid meeting him entirely. So I agreed to meet him. When I pulled up to the restaurant, he was standing out front. My first impression was....

Hey, the 1980's called, they want their glasses back!

He didn't wear glasses in his photos. And it's not that I don't like glasses... while I don't seek out the poorly sighted, when I look back upon my dating history, I must really dig guys in glasses, because nearly every guy I've ever dated long term has worn them. But this guy's were SO 25 years ago.

Remember the frame style of the classic Ray-Ban Aviator sunglasses? The ones that look super cool as sunglasses but super dorky as clear glasses?

Yeah, those are the ones. That's what he had on. They aged him about 10 years. When, at one point in the meal he took them off for a long while (since he didn't need them to see me across the table), he looked a LOT younger and more attractive.

But alas, that was not enough for him. The dinner conversation was pleasant enough, although sprinkled with more TMI about other women (like when the color of my hair came up in conversation, did I really need know the color of his second wife's hair?). But then there was the vaguely stalkerish stuff I alluded to earlier...

But I must back up a bit for this part. So, the site where we met required me to put my first name on my profile. Considering that this site allows anyone (without a paid membership) to view its users' profiles, I was not comfortable putting photos of my face alongside my real first name. I try to limit the stalkable details I release in online dating profiles and conversations I have prior to meeting and vetting someone in person. If some whackjob sees this public profile and likes my purty purty photos and wants to try to track me down, if he's got my first name, then will be a lot easier to do. So, I don't use my real name on my profile, but if I start emailing with someone from the site, I explain right away and give them my real first name (so as not appear later that I was intentionally misleading them).

So, when I responded to this guy's initial email, I explained the name change (and reasoning for it) to him, and he responded assuring me that he's no stalker, but he understood my reluctance to post my real name, as he'd been stalked more than once himself.

Later, when we were chatting online, he asked about the meaning/significance of my IM screenname. I told him that it was my (very unusual) middle name backwards, and shared that the name came from a character in a favorite book of my father's. He was intrigued, so I shared a favorite passage that describes my namesake. He thought it was beautiful and unique and blah blah blah.

He then tried to ask me to call him, but in my not so humble opinion, fucked it all up. I knew that he was wanting me to call him, but I was going to make him actually ASK me. It went like this:

Guy: so I am going to go out on a limb

Vixen: ok...

Guy: 5551234567 [his phone number]
Guy: and I hope I shall not regret it

Vixen: Gee, make a girl feel all warm and fuzzy why don't ya

Guy: lol

Vixen: So... the number... is for...?

Guy: my home office

Vixen: OK.... and....

Guy: I am very interested as to the sound of your voice

Vixen: ok...
Vixen: Well then let's try this again. Perhaps instead of "here's my number, don't make me regret it", you try something more like "Gee, Vixen, I'd really love to talk to you, why don't you give me a call?"

Guy: Gee Vixen ,would you grace me with the pleasure of your voice

Vixen: Why sure, Guy.
Vixen: Give me a moment.

*sigh* sometimes I'm too nice to these dumb boys. Really? You're going to offer me your number unsolicited, say 'don't make me regret it' and expect that that will entice me to call you? *groan*

But call him I did. And we had a pretty good conversation - like I said, we had much in common (or I wouldn't have agreed to meet him), and despite some potential red flags that raised during our conversation, I agreed to meet him for dinner. He was very straightforward about how appealing he found me (what with the whole smart, funny, beautiful, and awesome thing I have going on) and how much he was looking forward to meeting me. After the plans had been made, after we'd been talking 2 hours, and we were making sure we had one anothers' numbers and such before we got off the phone, he asked one last thing - he asked what my last name is.

I paused. Normally I don't give out such stalkable details before even meeting someone in person. He seemed pretty harmless on the phone and I felt a little foolish for declining, but instinct told me not to bend on that just because he seemed normal on the phone. Sure, I know that if someone wanted to badly enough, with some effort, they could track down some seriously stalkworthy information about me on the internet with very little information to go on. But if someone has my last name, it's a fairly easy matter to google lots of information about me.

So I said no, and explained that I try to limit the stalkable details I give out about myself prior to vetting someone in person. He seemed surprised, and said that no one he'd met had ever refused to give him their last name prior to meeting. Come to think of it, I've never had anyone ask before. I told him that once I got to know him I'd be happy to open up.

Over dinner, we talked about lots of different topics, from hobbies to work to family background and more. Everything was going fine, but by the time we were done with our meals, I was ready to go home. I'd not had time to process yet whether I liked him enough to want to see him again, but I was ready to leave. When the waitress brought the check, we both scooped the leftovers of our copious meals into the takeout boxes she delivered, and she came and took the plates away. He picked up the little tray with the check on it, looked at it, and put it down on his other side, on top of his takeout box. He was claiming it. Unga bunga, this be MY check, I pay.

But... apparently... not anytime soon.

He put the check and takeout box aside, and went back to making eyes at me. He was doing the whole 'piercing gaze' 'shower me with adoration' thing which should have been making me all mushy, but really wasn't having much effect on me (which should have been a clue to me that I wasn't into him enough to warrant a second date, but hey... I'd not had time yet to process). He was very complimentary, and made it clear that I was everything he'd hoped I'd be and more and that he very much wanted to see me again.

OK, but I was ready to leave. But that check... it was just sitting there ignored by his side as he talked to me and took my hand adoringly now and then. And there was no way I could encourage things along without making it obvious that I wanted to leave. I was feeling a little trapped.

Clearly thinking the glow of adoration was mutual, he asked where I'd like to go next (assuming that I wanted to continue the date beyond dinner). I told him truthfully that I had a project for work that I needed to finish this evening and that I couldn't go out with him. He made his disappointment obvious, and kept talking to me a while longer before finally paying the check so we could leave. And in that time, that's when things got creepy.

We were talking and I said something referring to parents. He asked what my mother's name was, but he said it in a kind of a "I bet I can guess your mother's name" tone, like a carnival barker offering to guess my age at the state fair. I paused, puzzled, and then he said "Betty?"

Wait, what? He was guessing my mother's name was Betty? Well he's a terrible carnival barker, because there's no one in my family named Betty. I told him that was wrong.

"Oh," he said, disappointed. "So then your last name's not Franklin?"

Wait, what? While Franklin is neither what he actually said nor my real name... the name he said WAS actually my real last name. I was put on the spot. Why the hell did he know my last name? Should I lie and say no because I shouldn't let him know my real name, or should I tell the truth, lest I decide to continue seeing him and I get accused of dishonesty later?

It was a split second decision. I didn't have time to process. But honesty is in my nature, so I simply said "yes it is," and looked at him quizzically. This is when he told me that he was talking to his friend Tina about this date he was going on and when he mentioned my unusual middle name, she decided to search for me in a public records database she had access to via work. Using my first and middle names, she found me easily. I'm not sure where she got Betty from for my mother, but he got my real last name, and presumably, my home address.

Clearly he did not see this as creepy as it was. He presented it as a "ha ha, my friend looked you up while I was talking to her about you and she found your name, isn't that coincidental?" not "even though you refused to give me your last name to avoid my stalking you, I took advantage of your sharing your unusual middle name and looked you up in a public records database to find out where you live."

He didn't seem to see what an invasion of privacy it was, how very inappropriate it was - I mean, he was stupid enough to TELL me about it - and while I sensed mo malice or implied threat, it was creepy nonetheless. And he really didn't get that.

At first I thought he was saying that she'd found me by googling my first and middle names. I've since tried googling them alone and together forwards and backwards, and none of the searches led anywhere connected to my full name. He clarified that she looked it up in some kind of unspecified public records database she has access to for her work, and explained that he'd been telling her about the unusual origin of my name, and mentioned the quote that I'd shared with him about my namesake. As he is telling me this, he takes out his wallet (I'm thinking, to finally pay the damned check so we can leave), and pulls out a piece of paper to show me - he wrote down the quote on a piece of paper and was carrying it in his wallet! That kind of creeped me out. He claimed he was reading this to his friend when she decided to look me up.

Whether he asked her to do it (or did it himself) or his friend did it of her own volition, it was entirely inappropriate and a violation of my privacy to look me up like that. I had been very clear with him that I was not comfortable sharing my last name with him yet, and very clear about why - that I wanted to avoid potential stalkers. And what does he do? He looks up the very information I told him I didn't yet want him to have, and assuredly ended up with information (like my home address) to which I didn't want him to have access.

And about this time, as I'm just starting to process this, he FINALLY pays the check and we get up to go. He's trying to linger outside and I just want to get out of there, he goes in for a goodbye whatever, I try to make it a hug, and he goes in for a kiss, but it's brief and chaste but also confirms for me that there are no sparks with him whatsoever.

I got into my car and instantly said to myself "What the FUCK? Oh I am SO not going out with him again."

I drove home writing in my head the email I would send him when I got home. I planned to tell him that while much about our date had been pleasant, that he did several things that made me very uncomfortable, and then call him out on the creepy stalkeresque behavior. I wanted to tell him how inappropriate it was, that he violated my privacy and sought out the information I told him I didn't want to give him, for exactly the sorts of reasons I'd told him I didn't want to give it out. I wanted to tell him never to contact me again, and that if I ever saw him near my home, I would call the police.

I think it's entirely likely that he's just a schlub who has poor judgment and boundary issues, and let a friend invade my privacy and then was stupid enough to tell me about it (just like he told me about several other things he probably should have kept to himself). And if so, he should be told why this behavior was not OK and how it shot his chance with a woman he really liked.

HOWEVER, there's also a chance that he IS a creepy stalker guy, that there was no friend who happened to look up my info, and that he searched me out himself and now knows where I live. If that's the case, well, I don't want to risk angering him - and pointing out his creepy behavior would probably only hurt, not help matters.

So, instead, I sent him an email politely thanking him for our date, and telling him clearly but kindly that I didn't feel the same chemistry with him, and do not wish do see him again. I did not give reasons, I did not leave room for discussion, I just ended it.

Thankfully, he seemed to accept the rejection gracefully, and sent a reply basically accepting defeat and saying that I was out of his league. So, yay for that.

-Vixen

Forever the poly magnet

2009-09-11T20:47:21Z

Why, why, WHYYYYYYYY??? Why must I always be such a freaking poly magnet? YET AGAIN, I was contacted by someone who, in our emails and IMs seemed totally awesome and a great match for me... that is until I found out that he has a kid. And a WIFE.

He contacted me on FreeVanilla and we exchanged several very thought provoking emails about life, relationships, healthcare reform, and more. He IM'd me and we had a very nice conversation that showed that we had much in common, until...

...he referred to getting something "for the little one." I asked if he has a kid. (His profile doesn't mention that. Or the wife.) He said he does. She's 6. I asked if she lives with him. He said she does.

I asked "And her mother?"

He replied "Yes, she has a mother."

I asked if the mother lives with him. He said yes. Aaaand then it all came out. He is, in fact, married and in some semblance of an open relationship. And they have a "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy, which in my mind, is no better than cheating, because A. you can't confirm with the spouse that they're really ok with their partner dating you (and not just outright cheating) and B. even if the spouse has given their tacit permission for their partner to date and not tell them about it, the need for the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy is generally a strong indication that the spouse is NOT really OK with their partner seeing other people, and doesn't want to hear about it because it makes them miserable.

So, my personal policy is that while I can deal with seeing a married guy in an open relationship (and limit our relationship to a friends-with-benefits situation), it has to be FULLY open with the full knowledge and approval of the spouse. I don't want to be seeing a guy that has to lie to his wife to spend time with me - because if they have a DADT policy, they will necessarily have to lie about where they're going when they spend time with me. I'm not down with lying, period.

But even if he WERE in a truly open relationship, I wouldn't be meeting him. I was momentarily tempted, because my sex life has had a dry spell lately, and I could use a new friend-with-benefits in my life, but I just don't want to get involved with another married guy right now.

While I do have several friends in happy healthy open relationships, more often than not for me involvements with married poly guys end up leading to drama - either their relationships are not so happy as they initially appeared, the spouses develop major jealousy issues with regards to me, the emotional involvements of one or more people involved goes overboard, or some combination of the above.

I just don't want it, just don't need it.

So I told him how I felt, bid him a polite farewell, and then did some loud and frustrated swearing before dumping my frustrations into yet another story about a married poly guy wanting to date me.

Why, oh WHY am I such a poly magnet? Can't I have a guy who's smart, funny, attractive, interesting, and SINGLE?

Apparently, for the time being, the answer is no. But I will keep looking anyway...

-Vixen

Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile of the Week

2009-09-11T01:21:10Z

This week's Unintentionally Hilarious Online Dating Profile of the Week comes to us from FreeVanilla. His pictures are mostly fuzzy but do feature one clear portrait of a below-average looking swarthy guy of indeterminate Mediterranean or middle eastern descent with very long, curly hair. His spelling atrocious, his profile consists mostly of the repeated phrase "peace and love," and his email to me was such an assault on the English language that it was comical. To protect his privacy, I tweaked some details (other than the words themselves) in his screenname and email address, but everything else that follows is... graciously untouched. No further explanation necessary, this comic gold speaks for itself.

-Vixen

PeaceHypies76

My Self-Summary:
peace and love there is my question in the worlds where is peace??and where is love??? green_peace_hypies@gmail.com

What I’m doing with my life:
peace and love

I’m really good at:
peace and love

The first things people usually notice about me:
god

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
peace and love

The six things I could never do without:
peace and love

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
peace and love

On a typical Friday night I am:
peace and love

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
green_peace_hypies@gmail.com

You should message me if:
peace and love

And his email to me...

how are you,????,i hope are well with good mooral, really sorry because you don't knew who i'am but, really i read your profile it's amazing so wonder am sorry also if i desturb you,but you knew am so cuerieuse to knew and to talk to you am kind so interesting and if you like we can knew eachother more and more i writ you my email you can found me in this adress ok ,i love so much your picture, take care and i wishes to found or to read your answer about my message
green_peace_hypies@gmail.com
writ me here peace and love ,,,am really waiting for your answer
good time

TheMarine resurfaces

2009-09-06T07:02:50Z

TheMarine resurfaced tonight, almost a month after I told him if he was serious about getting together again to do so or I'd lose interest and move on, and he told me he'd talk to me later that evening.

As you can imagine, that conversation didn't go well for him.

TheMarine: hello
TheMarine: how have you been
TheMarine: ?

Vixen: Huh. Long time no hear. I'm fine, you?

TheMarine: doing good. done with my usmc duty for a few days and back in town

Vixen: I see. And so what prompted you to get in touch?

TheMarine: I saw you were on line and had not spoken to you in a bit
TheMarine: thought I would say hi

Vixen: A bit? You've not been in touch in almost a month, and the last time we talked, I told you if you still wanted to see me again, you had better act on it promptly or I was going to move on. And I didn't hear from you again for almost a month. Why should I give you the time of day now?
Vixen: Because really, you've made it abundantly clear to me that seeing me again is at the bottom of your priority list... why should I put up with that kind of disrespectful behavior?

TheMarine: well... for one I dont think you should be rude. I did not ask to see you again, I just said hello and acted friendly. If you will not reply to my being friendly and courteous then that is your problem. But I dont think you should be rude.

Vixen: I am not being rude, I am calling you out on your behavior. I am simply pointing out what you said/did and asking why you think that's ok.

TheMarine: You act as if the only respectable behavior I could show would be to buy you dinner. Is that not kind of odd...?

Vixen: Uhhh, no. Respectable behavior is when you say you're interested in getting together with someone, actually staying in touch and making an effort to get together. This has nothing to do with buying me dinner. It's about meaning (and doing) what you say.

TheMarine: one month ago I was about 150 miles away. I followed that up with two weeks of duty with the USMC. Seeing you again promptly was not an option in any case.
TheMarine: any or either
TheMarine: I did what I said.

Vixen: If you go out on a few dates with someone and then disappear for a month, don't be surprised if that leaves them with the feeling that you don't give a shit about seeing them again and leaves them with little desire to see you if that's how you're going to treat them. And actually I spoke with you several times AFTER you returned from duty, when you were IN town, and you said you wanted to get together, abruptly left to go to the store, and then dropped out of touch for a month.

TheMarine: You said I had to see you again promptly. That was impossible so I did not do it
TheMarine: I got back from the two week ting on Friday
TheMarine: thing

Vixen: Actually, no, I didn't say then that you had to see me promptly. Our exact exchange was this:
Vixen: Vixen 8/12/09 3:32pm: Well, you know, a girl likes to feel wanted So... keep being "dirth" and she will lose interest and move on TheMarine 8/12/09 3:33pm: ok sweety. Have to run to the store. I'll talk to you later tonight!, k?

TheMarine: 8/13 was in the mountains
Vixen: I didn't say "see me immediately or else". You just completely dropped out of touch.
TheMarine: 8/15 till friday was the two weeks active duty I served

Vixen: Well then if you were in the mountains you lied to me about it. Or you are lying to me now. Neither is good.

TheMarine: no, that is the day I went there to pick up uniformes and other equipment

Vixen: Well, according to what you told me THEN, you were in the mountains for a couple of weeks, then had duty, and then were back in town for almost a week by the time we had that conversation.

TheMarine: Yes. I do a weekend a month. and two weeks every year.
TheMarine: so there will be one month where they will over lap

Vixen: The point is... if you were genuinely interested in continuing to see me, I would have heard from you in the last month. And if you are the sort of guy who drops in and out of touch for a month at a time with someone he genuinely wants to date, then you're not the kind of guy that *I* want to date.
Vixen: As I said, a girl likes to feel wanted. Not hearing from you for a month certainly doesn't accomplish that.

TheMarine: You are not giving me much time to reply

Vixen: Sorry if I type faster than you do. Do you have something important to say in your defense? Please, don't let me stop you.

TheMarine: by running all over any thing I say you are stopping me

Vixen: No, I'm responding to what you're saying. That's what happens in a conversation.

TheMarine: but not giving me the same curtacy?
TheMarine: but either way...
TheMarine: I think you are applying a lot more cerebral power in to someone you have met face to face twice. I also think you are holding me to the standard you should hold a defined boyfriend or husband to other than just what by all accounts is an acquaintance.

Vixen: I'm not stopping you from anything.
Vixen: No, I'm holding you to the standard that I would hold any friend or acquaintance. I don't think people deserve decent treatment only if you're in a committed relationship with them.
Vixen: So, since this is what you see as normal and acceptable behavior... I encourage you to move on to the next woman, someone who's desperate enough for your occasional companionship that she'll put up with the game playing and the inattention indefinitely. Because I'm done.
Vixen: Hell, I was done weeks ago.

TheMarine: I treated you decently. We went out twice. We talked. You laid down a glove saying if I wanted to see you again I had to act fast (Why did you say that by the way? it is almost an ultimatum to me.) I spent the past month out of town so that was not posable. I then, yes a while later say hello, and you decide to debate with me as if you had the Emily Post book on relation ships out.
TheMarine: I do not see how two dates = game playing. If you see it that way, you yourself may need to spend some more time thinking about it from the other side

Vixen: I laid down no glove, I did not say you had to act fast, I said that if you kept being lax about it, I would move on. You proceeded to completely drop out of touch for a month, no emails, IMs, texts, or phone calls, even though you were often online. Really, what kind of message did you think that was sending?
Vixen: What kind of woman would want to stick around after that?

TheMarine: I said "hello" to be friendly as I wondered how you were. I asked nothing else.. If you do not want to be friendly and courteous, lots of luck.

Vixen: It is not friendly and courteous to drop out of touch for a month and then pop back up as if it'd been a day instead of a month.
Vixen: This schtick may work on other women, but not on me. So, I think you and I are done, I've got nothing left to say to you. Goodbye and goodnight.

Yeah, I was so not up for putting up with more of his middling noncommittal "maybe I like you, maybe I don't" bullshit. He once told me "Some guys play hard to get. I play hard to want."

At the time, I hoped he was being humorous. But I think he was serious. And he is, in fact, hard to want. Some women may be willing to put up with his act, but I'm not.

-Vixen

The dumping part 2

2009-09-04T03:42:05Z

Well, that went better than expected... after sending TheEngineer a nice email dumping him but leaving the door open for friendship, I didn't hear back from him for long enough that I was beginning to think I might not hear from him again. However, I did.

Hi Vixen.

Wow. OK, wasn't expecting that. To say I'm not really disappointed would be a lie, but thank you sincerely for being honest with me and not just vanishing and never writing again. That would suck. I think you are a funny, intelligent, and beautiful woman; of course I would like to be your friend! Attraction has to be a two way street. Of course, now when we hang out we will have to go dutch! :)

I will get in touch when I get back.

TheEngineer

So, that went better than expected - he was gracious about being dumped and cheery about the prospect of pursuing friendship (which, come to think of it, doesn't surprise me that much about him, he has a pretty cheery disposition). And I completely understand about wanting to go dutch in the future. With the exception of our few hours of pool on our first date (which I paid for as he was pulling out his credit card), he'd paid for all meals and activities on our three dates, to the tune of at least $150.

Based on seeing his tiny sparsely appointed apartment and on the fact that he mentioned not being able to afford to take a job he really wanted due to the pay cut involved, I'm guessing I am a lot better off financially than him, so I certainly wouldn't want him to feel obligated to pay my way when we hang out as friends. When dating a guy, I don't expect him to pay my way period, but if he wants to pay all or most of the time when we go out (as many guys seem to, especially in the first few dates), I'm fine with it. But now that I've just dumped him and put him in the friend zone, I'm feeling a bit bad about him having spent all that money on our dates. So, I thought as a consolation prize, peace offering, and general all around nicety, I would offer to cook him dinner. From the sound of things, (and from the look of his micro-kitchen), he doesn't get home cooked meals too often, so he'll probably appreciate the offer.

Some time back we were discussing our mutual love of music - he plays guitar, sings, and uses a small midi keyboard hooked into his computer to create and mix synthesized sounds to add over his guitar/vocal tracks. Most of my musical training, on the other hand, is classical, and I both sing and play the piano. He said that he loved hearing classical piano, and hoped I would play and sing for him one day.

On our last date, we went to his place in between dinner and the movie ostensibly so that he could play some of his music for me. After he played for me, I played a little something quickly on his keyboard, but it is a tiny keyboard with no sustain pedal and little acoustic control, so I couldn't play much. It was such a poor representation of what I can do that I suggested I might play for him on my baby grand piano sometime. We also talked about the video game Rock Band, which I have and he's never played. He recently tried out the very similar game Guitar Hero for the first time, and was eager to try his hand at Rock Band.

So, as a nice gesture on my part both to make up for disappointing him (with the dumping) and to show him that I'm genuinely interested in continuing on as friends, I invited him to spend an evening at my place when he returns from his trip:

Dutch, got it - I wouldn't have it any other way - well, unless maybe I happened to know you were like a millionaire or something, then I wouldn't complain if you wanted to pick up the check ;)

Have a great time on your trip, and when you get back... perhaps I'll do you one better than taking you out to dinner and make you a fabulous home cooked meal. And play the piano for you. And then... ROCK BAND! You play the guitar, I'll sing, and we'll bring the house down. Sound good? :)

Vixen

I think, knowing him as well as I've gotten to know him in these past 3 dates, that he will think that sounds like a super swell way to spend the evening. So I'll see him in a few weeks. Or not. I'm fine with it either way.

-Vixen

The anatomy of a dumping

2009-09-03T22:25:26Z

So, you go out with somebody a few times. You obviously were interested in them enough for that second and third (or more) date(s), but something in those first few dates convinced you that you and this person are not meant for one another. They didn't do anything wrong, you're just not feeling a strong connection with them. How do you let down that person easy, being straightforward and avoiding leading them on, while also sparing their feelings?

This is something I've been considering a lot the past few days. My time with TheEngineer has been enjoyable, but in general I've not felt any romantic or physical sparks between us, and even if I had, he's such a terribble kisser that it would be a deal breaker for me. But he's a perfectly nice guy, one I wouldn't mind keeping as a friend if he's up for it. I certainly don't want to hurt his feelings, and telling him "I'm sorry, I can't date you, you're a horribly bad kisser, wanna just be friends?" just isn't necessary.

So, how do you nicely dump someone in the early stages of dating without hurting their feelings?

Well, the fact is, you don't, really. Any way you slice it... if person A is really into person B, and after spending a few evenings with person A, person B decides they're not into person A, that's going to suck for person A. When A wants B, but B doesn't return their ardor, that's going to smart. The best you can do is be honest yet kind with them in an effort to minimize any pain or discomfort they may experience.

And while I think it is unacceptable to break up with someone with whom you've been in an ongoing committed relationship via email or instant message, I think that when it comes to letting down someone after an initial date or few dates, email or instant message is preferable for both parties. Not only does it it provide the dumper with an electronic buffer zone, but more importantly, it provides the dumpee with a buffer, so they don't have to deal face to face with the embarrassment of rejection, and with the dumper seeing the emotional toll it takes on them. For both (the dumpee especially), the lack of post-rejection awkward in-person departures is also a plus.

So, that's what I did with TheEngineer. He sent me an email reiterating what a good time he had on our last date, and suggesting we get together when he returns from a trip out of town. I replied with this message:

I enjoyed the movie with you too, and would be happy to hang out when you get back...

but...

I think I should tell you that while I've really been enjoying spending time with you, the connection I've been feeling building between us feels like more of a friendship connection than a romantic connection. That being said, I'd enjoy continuing to hang out on a friendly level, but I will completely understand if you'd rather not.

I hope you have a great trip, and if you'd like to hang out when you get back, get in touch.

Vixen

It's been long enough since I sent it that he's probably read it by now, and I've not heard back from him yet, and I'm not sure if I will. He may be hurt and bummed and likes me enough that it would be difficult to be platonic friends with me after being romantically rejected by me - and I would completely understand that. But I think I did a fair job of letting him down easy and leaving the door open for him to let me know if he wanted to continue to pursue things... as friends.

-Vixen